Confusion

I love you I hate you Sometimes I don't know which is true Sometimes I think both are You say I do it to myself But why would I try to be sad Why would I try to make myself cry Every night as I fall asleep I know I'm not perfect And I know I have walls But every time I bring them down I get hurt You don't get it I don't think you ever will You say you do And you want to know why I think you don't But you told me to leave You told me to pack You pushed me away From you and them I tried Every day I tried And it made no difference To you or to me It's a struggle to get up in the morning But you don't understand It's hard for me to do anything But sleep Because sleep is a relief Sleep means no more pain No more tears No more living nightmares And I want to leave Can you blame me I want to walk out And never look back But then you say you love me And I get confused Because why would you hurt me If you loved me Yet I know it's true Which makes it harder But I still have to do it And you still don't understand You never have And you never will