Control

One of the prongs

Is crooked on the fork

Exactly one teaspoon of vanilla

The cups are different sizes

I put them in rows

According to type

I take exactly one pill

At 6:01 AM

Because if it’s too early

I messed it all up

And if it’s too late

Everything is wrong

I think of the 

Worst possible scenario

For every situation

The plane could crash

Or get hit by lightning

Or the paper could rip

Or it’ll hurt again

Or the lines won’t be straight

Or the letters will look wrong

Because I didn’t write them

They didn’t tell me 

What was wrong

With me

Like I

Made everything up

Just to run away

But it hurts

And hurts

And I am outside your house

The doorbell is ringing

I only press it once

But I can’t discern if

That’s right

You could be asleep

Or the doorbell is broken

Or you are listening to music

Too loud and it

Drowns out the sound 

Or you don’t want to see me

You don’t want to see me

You don’t want me

You have parties

And splatter their remains

Across pages

Happy memories in photographs

And shouty videos with

People I

Can’t hold on

I 

Can’t

Hold

On

To

Something 

Made 

Out 

Of 

Water

You are like water

Running and running

And I can’t stop it or

Tell it where to go because

You are like water and

You whisper and

I can’t hold on and

All I see is

The way you look at me

When you read

My poetry

And you say

“It’s good, just not

That good.”

And you smile

Out of pity

And you walk away

And I can’t control that

And I can’t discern 

Which way is up

And which road is right 

Because the roads

Are bent 

And they twist and turn

And I am alone again

With a single pill

At 6:01 AM

Exactly one teaspoon of vanilla

One of the prongs

Is crooked on the fork