The Core

 She wants to rip her flesh into two

She wants to let the open wounds sting 

Like the piercing of knives as she 

  o      p     e     n    s    herself up

All she wants

Is to be vulnerable with herself

To let the pain sink in as she searches for something within

And her body will remember her as she lets her body sting

Once again

And allow her to enter

She will walk around in the rooms that encapsulate her essence

And as she loses herself in the maze,

She prays to find something worth living for

But the longer she searches, the more the wounds start to burn

And her vision begins to blur

She can no longer recognize herself

Nor remember who she was upon entering

The openings recede and widen because of her extensive search

What’s inside of her is nothing more than a harsh glow that strains her eyes

It is her core

The more steps she takes towards it, the further the core seems to get

The glow harshens

And sings and cries out to her in words she cannot understand

The core haunts yet enlightens her body

And the strings that make up the core are tangled,

Indecipherable

It is impossible to know which one is the principle

Impossible to know which string characterized her 

She walks into the room where her rib cage would be

And she realizes that in this body of hers,

She has a missing rib

In place of the rib, shadows lurk peacefully

She watches the shadow of a man from a distance

Even from a distance, she recognizes him

Because that is the man she is in love with

He is kind and treats her well

And she had never experienced a love so real before

He is stable

But something still feels off

She turns her head and sees the shadow of a woman

A beautiful woman

Her shadow dances with an elegance that surpasses all royalty 

And she dances in place of the rib with a presence that radiates warmth

This woman would hold her at night like she was precious treasure

With an intensity as if she could be ripped away with ease

And although she loves the man more than anyone

She feels that her love for the woman was inexplicable

A love so strong and complicated that it could only ever be between two women

But she tears her eyes away because her parents would never approve

And they would never approve of the nights where the woman’s kiss was her only medicine

That cured the lifelong pain within her soul

Because they told her how that kind of love is wrong

So she tries to bend the emotions that float in front of her

And tries to force herself to feel the same connection with the man

For her parents’ sake

But she cannot defy her own desires

And she cannot deceive herself and pretend to feel nothing

She tries to run away from this decision

Or perhaps her realization

Of who she would rather her missing rib be

But every step she takes is a sinkhole

Forcing her closer to her inevitable fate

Yes, she sacrifices her own emotions for stsbility and it is insufficient

She will never be stable in this body

So she

                 runs

                              away 

                         from the core and                  abandons

 who she was meant to be

And she ends the search for her true identity

Each dreadful step feels like massive sighs

Sighs of relief

Sighs of regret

As she ventures back to her open wounds

Her eyes begin to burn

like uncontrollable wildfires that destroy 

everything in sight

Her tears begin to drum onto the inner walls of her insides like a song

Like the melodies the woman played

Because the skill in her instruments mesmerized her

And she used to wonder how it could be

That a person so breathtaking could leave her even more breathless

She turns to look at the glowing core once more

And it is now dim in disappointment

But it calls out her name with every light wave that it sends

And it hits her with shocking impacts

And she doesn’t know what she is afraid of, but she can’t bring herself to move in that direction

She approaches the wounds that are now screaming her name

The ones she entered through

Their voices screech in her ears

and their slender fingers grasp at her body

trying to snatch her and force her into one of them

Because they know that she too has no purpose

but to live in sorrow

Still, she silently stitches up her own wounds with delicate hands

And the voices get softer

And numbness slowly replaces the pain

And when she finishes,

she stares down at her truly lifeless body

because it’s missing the purpose of life

She becomes one with her body once more

 and once and for all

She wraps her arms around herself and holds herself

The night is cold and she is desolate

And she is missing someone she never truly had

And the only music she can listen to now is her shaky breaths

As she traces her fingers over her scars

But each night as she closes her eyes,

she sees the life that she could have had

The life she could of had

if she had known how to find the strength to embrace

who she really was