Cough

I don't remember when I became dissociated from reality

or my sould left my body

because I'm so spaced out.

My head is in the clouds 

while my body's on the ground

and sometimes fog touches it, 

but even then I still can't see.

I wonder what its like to be me;

because my eyes are crossed and my ears are ringing

and I can't feel the stinging of things that hurt me.

When did I stop feeling hurt?

Or happy?

There's a smile on my face, 

but it feels covered by paint.

Where's the detail?

I took a brush but failed to leave any trail

of emotion,

that really shows then,

Where did I go?

Because it isn't a thing without therapy 

and medicine in that,

there's still nothing

I still feel nothing

and I can't say that or I'll be locked up,

but I already am.

I've already shut the door

I can't take anymore of these soundscapes playing

with no lyrics

because I can't hear it anyways, and what about you?

Where are you?

You're there but I can't see you,

or touch you.

I wish i knew what was wrong with me

don't you wish that you could breathe underwater?

I wish I had gills;

maybe I could find some quiet under there

because I can't breathe this air.

Its killing me and no one can finally see,

that my leaves are falling and they're not growing back

Who am I 

without that, that holds me together?

My pine needles don't stay in winter weather.

I'm not strong.

I must be wrong

because I long for feelings, 

but can't feel them and that makes me lucky.

Its funny.

Its 12:21am, 

and I'm writing this out of anger

because I wanna sleep but that doesn't mean I can.

Believe me I've tried,

but everytime I close my eyes

they vibrate

as though I'm feeling something, 

but its not just something.

When I try to sleep I feel everything all at once,

and that's not resting 

its my body testing

to see if I'm still there.

Sending signals to the lighthouse, 

but the fog is still too strong and I'm still too far from shore

I wish I had more 

memories of you sleeping on my lap

I wish I had more naps with you

because I could feel something then,

serene and soft,

but all I do is cough

up blood.

And even then it still doesn't hurt.