Counselor, Counselor

Sun, 10/04/2015 - 11:51 -- T_C

When did everyone's problems become mine?

A week before, I was just a friend and not a counselor

I was a kid with a smile and shoulder to offer

I just didn't know that everyone would want it for their resting place or their tears

 

The first time was sad, but I said I was strong - I can handle it, it's okay

His name is Jeffrey.

I know you warned me not to date him

I know you said it was a bad idea

But now I'm here to tell you it wasn't a bad idea 

It was the worst one.

He climbed in my window last night while I was asleep

And he held me down to my dirty sheets

But who will believe the school whore if she talks about the boy next door?

 

The second time I was weighed down, but I promised I'd stand - I'll take your pain, don't cry

I try so hard, I really do

It's just that sometimes everything is just too much

My parents focus on my little brother

Sometimes I think that he's okay, but sometimes I know he's not

He's in a wheelchair now

And I can't ask my parents for help on my math

I swear I pray and come to God

But sometimes my skin prays to my knife and my knife comes to my skin

 

The third time I was afraid, but I looked darkness in the eyes - I won't leave you, I swear

I trusted him, you know

I thought he was a really good guy

So when he invited me over, I said okay

I just didn't know I'd be forced to stay

He kept me in the closet with his daughter

She was nine

He'd drag us out when he wanted and threw us back in when he was done

Sometimes he would feed us but never enough

I'd usually give mine to my best friend in that closet

But one day she couldn't accept

Because pregnant with her father's child, she was dead

And I was so angry and scared

He left the closet unlocked and I saw his gun

I put it in my mouth

But he came back

I pointed it at him but my hands shook

So I shot him in the foot 

When the police came, I was gone

But he was there and so was my dead best friend

He's going to die tomorrow for what he did to her

But I'm afraid that I'll never be able to tell anyone about who she was

Instad of a victim of a father who was

 

The fourth time I was broken, but I used a staff to keep myself up - I said hit me, it won't hurt

 The police arrested me for something I didn't do

I was with my friends at the school

When they came asking about the words on the walls

I didn't do it, couldn't have

The words were too old for could haves

But they hauled me away for plastering walls

That hadn't been touched

And I remember crying and thinking

Would they have believed me if I was white?

 

The sixth time I was falling apart, but I held myself together - I said I'm here 'till I die, come here

I know people can be mean

I'm used to it, I can honestly say

But I look in the mirror and I see nothing

Nothing but rolls and fat and ugly

I know I should eat 

And I know I shouldn't cut

And I know I should speak up

But everytime I get somewhere

I see myself in the mirror

And I know that it's not other people that are mean to me - It's just me 

 

The sixth time I couldn't see through my tears, but I looked up - I said God, please help me

I have so many friends

And I love them all dearly

But what am I supposed to do for them?

Their stories all touch me and break me and bend me

I try so hard but it's like nothing I can handle

Why can't I fix the world for them?

Why can't I make everything better?

Because they come to me time and time again 

And they hand me their weights to haul on my back

But what am I if I can't make a sound?

I'm useless and I can't understand the world's hate

 

And God stood in all his glory and touched my heart - God said My child, let me take the weight

And he took my weight

And I could stand

And then he said Now that that's done, why don't you tell me your story?

This poem is about: 
Me
My community
My country
Our world

Comments

Ellavader

This is so beautiful, real, and relatable! I'm so touched by your writing!! Thank you!

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