I tried to fall in love,
and love fell away from me.
Music tastes and edited imagery
can’t disguise the doubts of the reality
that you are not good or true
for who I am trying to be,
and I don’t want you.
I thought I did and forced myself out of it;
you were the final push,
and then I realized it was better not to stay.
You would have disappointed me anyway.
The voice in my head is singing of regrets
on words I never said but I wouldn’t have meant--
I’m a failure for not asking you out on a date!
The voice is telling me it's not too late.
What am I supposed to do?
Fake a smile and be full of the feelings I ate
just to give everyone else the perfect view
of a life they want for me regardless of who,
who I am, and who you are, or who he or she or they could be?
All that matters is that there are two names when I come up in conversation,
but you can’t make a reservation for the right time,
or readiness, or acceptance, or this so called destiny.
I am constantly falling in love with no one but art and poetry--
that isn’t enough, or maybe it is for me.
I just can’t see what I want outside of what I need.
They’re all screaming their pleas of hope.
I don’t want to become the ugly friend trope!
No one to love except an empty bottle and an overextended self esteem.
My fears won’t change the fact none of them were right for me.
Yet here I am again writing and silently thinking,
"I could make this work!"
Love is about sacrifice right?
It's not too much to sacrifice my beliefs or my core being,
as long as I’m not alone and eventually I'll learn to be happy.
I guess I was taught that love is lying.