Crushes - A Spoken Word

I was in 4th grade when I had my first major crush.

So young yet I felt like I knew exactly what falling for someone was.

He had a cute smile and nice brown eyes and that seemed to be enough for me.

Although he was kind I’m not really sure my feelings were based on his personality.

He looked like the boys I had seen the girls fall for in movies so it only seemed right to like him.

My next major crush was in 7th grade.

He didn’t look like the guys in the movies but that was okay.

He was funny and nice and always knew how to bring a smile on my face on a bad day.

According to the people of the internet, guys just like him are the ones that you should fall for.

So I took their advice, and I liked him.

My 3rd and the most recent major crush was in 10th grade

But before I get into that, let me share with you what I realized before this last crush.

The funny thing is, in 4th grade, I felt so much more for my friend Molly than I ever did for my so-called crush Matt.

In 7th grade, my heart beat faster for the girl I been texting who lived states away from me than for the boy I had got to see at school every day.

At some point, I realized that I had not been true to myself.

I kept my true feelings bottled up, dug a 100 ft deep hole to throw them in, and filled it with years and years of false fondness and affection for people who I now realize were just meant to be thought of as my closest friends.

You see, I realized I ever truly liked them in that way.

But I had only seen girls falling for these guys on my television screen and through social media apps, it was the norm.

I hadn’t realized that the real feelings I had were allowed to be felt. I thought I was just crazy.

But in 9th grade, I was sick of feeling lost. 

Sick of letting my fear of rejection control me. 

So I finally said out loud who I truly am. 

And my heart, the heart I thought had belonged to these guys at some point, I felt the doors of this heart unlock for the first time.

And soon after that, someone had stepped through them.

My 3rd and the most recent major crush was in 10th grade, and I am not ashamed to say that she had long blonde hair.

A radiant smile that could fill me with warmth on a cold day. 

The most beautiful eyes I had ever had the privilege of looking into. 

She gave me butterflies. 

No, these weren’t gentle flutters I felt in my stomach. They were giant flaps from 3 eagles wings.

When I heard her wonderful laugh, I somehow felt it seep through my skin and navigate its way through my muscles, bones, and bloodstream and it made me feel like the happiest person alive.

She, she was perfect.

And people can say whatever they want.

They can say that I’m not normal.

I don’t care. 

Because when I had let her in, it was the most normal I had ever felt.

And I don’t feel ashamed about it.