Crutches

Silence
I don't want to hear your comments
I already know what you're thinking
Shame shame shame
Poor little girl
She does not know this world is made of razor blades on a playground
If you are soft and let your guard down
You will get hurt
This place will eat you up if you let it
And you haven't gone through much so we are worried
Hold your head up
You say
Don't forget who you are
I didn't know who I was before
So what little idea I had of myself was easily wiped away
I don't want to talk about it
You don't know how I'm feeling for a reason
My feelings are the only things that are my own
The only thing I don't have to apologize for
Don't take my sadness
I'm not ready to flip the page
That's in the past
You say
Do not use it as a crutch
Move on
I've tried
But why do I still feel the same?
You skip to the next paragraph or start a new chapter when the setting and/or tone change
Nothing has changed but it seems so different
I am not me anymore
I am an illness
I am a faker
I am a lost soul who needs to let go and let God
I am a confused sad girl
I am depression
I didn't become a different person
You just see me as I've always been
I can still be rays of sunshine if my skies don't rain too heavy
I am still a happy dreamer if I don't think about tylenol filled blood
And I am still a person who cares about you too much
To let me get in the way of your happiness
So no
I cannot turn the page from something that is and forever will be a part of me
I will not use my illness as as crutch
I will use it as a pedestal
I will puff up my chest and say no
You cannot chew me up and tear me down
You do not know how strong you can be until you rot from the inside and build yourself up again
I am reconstructing and razor blades can't touch me
I am a girl who has flirted with death and still loves harder than I fear
And no
I will never be sorry

This poem is about: 
Me

Comments

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741