Crutches

Silence I don't want to hear your comments I already know what you're thinking Shame shame shame Poor little girl She does not know this world is made of razor blades on a playground If you are soft and let your guard down You will get hurt This place will eat you up if you let it And you haven't gone through much so we are worried Hold your head up You say Don't forget who you are I didn't know who I was before So what little idea I had of myself was easily wiped away I don't want to talk about it You don't know how I'm feeling for a reason My feelings are the only things that are my own The only thing I don't have to apologize for Don't take my sadness I'm not ready to flip the page That's in the past You say Do not use it as a crutch Move on I've tried But why do I still feel the same? You skip to the next paragraph or start a new chapter when the setting and/or tone change Nothing has changed but it seems so different I am not me anymore I am an illness I am a faker I am a lost soul who needs to let go and let God I am a confused sad girl I am depression I didn't become a different person You just see me as I've always been I can still be rays of sunshine if my skies don't rain too heavy I am still a happy dreamer if I don't think about tylenol filled blood And I am still a person who cares about you too much To let me get in the way of your happiness So no I cannot turn the page from something that is and forever will be a part of me I will not use my illness as as crutch I will use it as a pedestal I will puff up my chest and say no You cannot chew me up and tear me down You do not know how strong you can be until you rot from the inside and build yourself up again I am reconstructing and razor blades can't touch me I am a girl who has flirted with death and still loves harder than I fear And no I will never be sorry