The Cycle

"Because I love you," the older man informs my grandma, "I am going to kidnap you for myself. You will become my wife, my servant, the mother of my children."

Maybe the man doesn’t warn her at all, and instead his manly, machista pride takes over him and he has forgotten what his mother has taught him about asking politely for one’s permission. He is like a child picking his first (or second) puppy from the dog pound. But instead it is my grandma he is choosing and his masculinity assures him to ‘Pick whichever one, because she is rightfully yours.’ He pulls the sack that once carried potatoes inside and pulls it over my grandma’s head and in that instant she is deprived from her independence of being a single woman.

As their daughters (my tias) grow up, they are baffled at the relationship between their parents. Their so-called father, the man who is supposed to be caressing his wife, is instead

Beating.

Kicking.

Raping.

Insulting.

His wife.

This is what is included in the oral stories my tias tell me. They tell me they used to think this was normal because back then they say, “All men were machistas”. They believed that after migrating to the U.S. men would be wiser, and therefore amiable and charismatic. Apparently it was not true. After what they have witnessed it is hard to trust men. They have witnessed, they unfold, “The never ending cycle of

beatings after forgiveness,

kickings after forgiveness,

and insults after forgiveness.

And so. This is what my tias and tios have grown up to define love as.

The day before I broke up with my first serious boyfriend I had to convince myself that I was not not like my grandma, my mother, nor my tias.

My ex-boyfriend’s control over me had to come to a halt. He had coerced me to be responsible for his insecurities, which as a result led to him being controlling and manipulative.

He’d demand, “Choose between your guy friends and I.” or, “Choose between your bestfriend and I.” and “No, because you’re too pretty and I know what guys want.” and “Let me look through your phone just because I feel like it.” These were four of his favorite lines.

The day I realized what healthy relationships consisted of-trust, communication, comfort, characteristics that were lacking from my family’s past relationships-I became the independent single woman my grandma once was.