Damaged Memories

You are just the kind of person my mom used to warn me about.

The kind with a bright personality and the kindest of touches.

Every heavenly word flows off your tongue like sweet golden honey.

I can’t quite figure out what it is but something about you isn’t right.

You’re in no way perfect yet I doubt you’ve ever lied to me.

However, on rare occasions I see a side of you I don’t want to accept.

In those moments, your brown eyes go from inviting to threatening.

I get a strange feeling in my body telling me to leave before either of us get hurt.

Other times, that strange feeling disappears when tears fall and my heart shatters.

I’ve seen what your anger could lead to but it’s rare to see this side of you.

So I should feel safe in your arms at night, right?

Probably, but over time you’ve began to grow colder.

You hold me close like I’m a possession of yours yet I’ve never felt farther apart.

Whenever I try to talk about it, you change the subject quicker than seasons change.

Then I see it…the denial and regret of what you’ve done.

It fills every single crevice but only for a moment.

Your graceful smile returns sweeping me off my feet once again.

I’d leave you if I knew what you’d do in response.

Would you let me run freely or would you beg me to stay?

I’d miss you or at least I think I’d miss you.

The biggest reason I stay is I fear being alone.

When I’m alone is the worst because instead of ignoring the darkness I’m surrounded by it.

It suffocates me until the loneliness causes me to stupidly drown in my own self-pity.

It’s an ugly kind of love that either way I end up losing it all.

Question is: What am I truly willing to lose…my happiness or my life?