Damnation

When I first fell in love I had hoped for forever. A house, two kids, even a happy marriage was what I saw. Little did I know your love for me had an expiration date. We’d argue but what couple didn’t? We always knew that no argument was worth us splitting over. We were great lovers and friends, but you grew selfish.

I stood by your side, closer than a brother, but you emotionally distanced yourself from me. Somehow you went from sending me your love everyday to acting like I was the worst thing ever. What happened to the sweet guy who’d hold me close, who’d tell me his fears? Did he ever really exist or was he just a part of you “stringing me along”? 

The love I gave you was undeserved. It was like no other and you knew it. You decided that it was better for both of us to just move on while you battled your own demons. Well I’ve got demons too, but I’ve never put them before you. We were a team and your burdens were my burdens and vice versa. But I guess you had other plans.

Exactly when did your love for me fade? Was it before or after I continuously gave your my body? How many times have you penetrated my soul knowing your love was absent? You made me fall harder for you everytime you brought me to my climax. Everytime you kissed me I checked out of reality. My love for you was the poison I chose that shattered my heart to pieces. You taught me that there was no forever, that your promises were postponed lies and that I never really mattered.

You walked over me and didn’t look back and expected me to lay there and take it. You told me I was the “perfect girlfriend” but apparently I wasn’t perfect enough for you. I wanted a future that you weren’t willing to meet me halfway to create. I was loyal to a liar. I guess “16” wasn’t my lucky number. Now I’m conflicted, stuck between love and hate. Still in love with you for making me feel alive but hating you for trapping me in your bed of lies.

Did you ever think of me when you lied? How turning my life upside down might affect me? You proved to be a wolf in sheep’s clothing, a devil in disguise, thriving on my innocence and naivety. I was at my most vulnerable with you, baring all and hiding none. Knowing how love exploited me in the past, you chose to continue the exploitation. I played the fool at your hands without even knowing. I showered you with love and affection, I understood you better than anyone. But you chose to run away. You took the coward’s way out. Instead of having the decency and respect to face me, you his behind text messages.

I guess that’s a sign of how much you really care. I loved you on purpose, willingly. But that still wasn’t enough for you. The last thing you said was “never forget that I love you or think otherwise”. Where’s the love in this I ask? Was losing my trust worth it? Did making me cry make you feel more like a man?

You became a predator with you mind set on me being your prey. I realize now that we never made love. I was too blind to see that you were indeed raping me. Every time I opened my legs to let you in and you took advantage of me knowing that I never held your heart. You plunged into my soul again and again, promising never to leave me like the others. But where are you now? Gone without a second thought. Just another one of your lies that stuck...all because you “love me”.