The Dark of Me

     My mind is indulging in the notion of being in his presence, if even just for a moment. This feeling, whatever it is, so energetic, so fulfilling and above all, enticing to say the least. How can someone who seems so wrong for me, be so irresistible in every way humanly possible? 

 

     It's like he has seeped out of my dreams into this world and manifested into a God, yet it's a manifest I am not able to smell, hear or touch. He is not tangible but with each breath I take, I feel as though I am soaking him into every morsel of my being.

 

     I fear him and yet I love him at the same time. Love? I haven't seen him in what feels like eternity. There has been no exchange of fluids, nothing to keep me holding on, and yet I do. I am a damned fool to say the least. How can I rid my mind, body and soul of him? A task and a need I have yet to plan, and fear for the life of me that I never will. What a helpless feeling...

 

     My thoughts and emotions are filled with Him. He shows no remorse for the loss of me and yet I feel as though I have an open wound to tend to. But how do I? Who and/or what is to mend my pain and fix my ever bleeding heart? 

 

    Time will tell is another saying that never seems to get old, but at the same time, never seems to be the answer either, at least in my short lived experience. Does he have any idea what power he has over me? I would succumb to every want and need of his. Would he want that? Does he desire me as I do him? 

 

     He has an energy so charged, so unfathomable that words to describe it are just the tip of an iceberg. An iceberg that is indefinite in it's entirety.

 

     I should be locked away for eternity. I can't even trust myself at this point.          

 

     I have sent him to the wolves. Hungry wolves that have been stalking their prey for much too long. I am the one to blame. The blood on their lips tastes of iron and of sweet victory as I stand back, starving myself, but not for blood, but of love. Craving it deep down in the depths of my soul. 

 

     I am afraid of his power and I am afraid of my pack. The pack is all I know. I cannot turn my back on them, in fear of loss and for the sole fact that reality has surfaced it's ugly head and I have realized He is incapable of love. 

   

     The mind games, oh my the games he has played. I crawl back weakmindedly, every single time. He presents me with a challenge I cannot bare to resist. This isn't healthy, but what does healthy actually mean? To my surprise, I thoroughly enjoy these games. It's like a mind fuck and all I feel is a numbing sensation that becomes all too familiar. I yearn for it. It's the only attention I can seem to squeeze out of Him. Am I that much in need of Him? Why do I want someone who doesn't want me? There is something about this chase that is so endearing. But only for Him will I chase in such an emasculating manner.

 

     Is it my longing for love that seems to curse me in a way that is deemed as crazy? I am crazy. I must be. It is not long before I come to my senses, I hope. This unknowing is eating away at every fiber of my being. I am selfish. So unbelievably selfish that I don't recognize myself anymore. Pathetic, weak and enough pity for myself to engorge a nation. This is not me. With this vent, I hope to be set free.