David

Dear David,

I do not even know where to start…

I have not even said anything yet, and I already need a cigarette.

It’s been almost a year, and I still think about you. All the flashbacks. One would think that they stop happening a few months after you left. It has been ten months. And the other night I had another flashback about you.

I remembered that one time when we went to the parking lot by the apartment complex to smoke weed. It was one of your first times. You were coughing a lot. But what happened next is something that I will never forget because it got forever marked in my heart. I do not care that it did not mean anything to you. Nothing ever really did, did it? We both got very high that night. We both laid down in my car. You opened the sunroof. We could see the stars in the night sky. 

It was dark and cold in there. It was the middle of winter. But the warmth of your hands and your lips was enough to keep my entire body warm. Eventually, we ended up making out. I do not care about what other people can say about this, but that, to me, meant so much more. Even though we were just “making out,” I was making love to you. I had never felt anything so intense, so pure, and so innocent before. I do not want to think about what anything meant to you anymore. Because, to me, moments like those meant the world to me. You meant the world to me. I am not angry at you. You could even say that I still miss you at times. Like when I had that last flashback. 

I loved you, David. Even though you did not seem to believe me or to care, you had all my support, but you did not want it. There is nothing I can do about that. You chose not to make use of my support. You decided to leave. And I have to live with the fact that you’re gone.

I still get sad when I think about you and how much I loved you. You were my everything. I needed you. A lot has happened. I’ve needed you by my side so many times. You were supposed to be there for so many things. But you were not there.

The regret is difficult to live with. With the fact that, if I would’ve done everything differently, then maybe, you would’ve stayed…

Love, always,

Joel