the day I lost my faith

I don’t know when it happened But it definitely did. I don’t know how to explain the feeling of losing yourself, The feeling of disappointment And grief towards yourself, But I’ll try. It’s like drowning, But not knowing whether going up for air Or sinking to your murky death Is the better option. It’s like crying out constantly, Your throat getting hoarse And cracked, But knowing that the soothing remedy May not be what you want. It’s like seeing your family And their smiling faces, And knowing that you should be with them In their arms, wrapped in their love But you just can’t make that step towards them. That’s what losing your faith is like. It’s like your heart is a confused , And your brain is your worst enemy. It’s like neither option is entirely grand. It’s like a constant confusion Over something so important. It’s like your life is being focused on nothingness And on a shining light At the same time. I don’t want to lose my hope, Or my family, Or my support That brought me through so much of my life. And made me whole, But when doubts clutter your mind And personal opinions ache in your heart, You become lost. I don’t want to be wayward and lost, Or living without faith, Or without a God, Or a hope for something better. I don’t want to be punished for this choice, Or killed mercilessly because of it either. I don’t want to be a warning example for others, Or the gossiped about daughter who went bezerk,, But when science crumples my spirit, And reality constantly degrades my heart, And what am I to do? I never felt the same as everyone else, I was never totally on one side Though I wanted to be. I never was those glimmering examples of sure faith Nor the exact opposite either, But there’s no inbetween No middle ground No me in any of this. I don’t want to live a lie, And I want my life to be filled with fun and bliss. But what if fun kills me? What if I abandon my family for nothing? This is a choice I don’t want to make, But a choice I know I have to, So dear parents, and loving brothers, Know this one thing, That I love you deeply, And that you will always be my rock, But I have to make this dumb decision, I have to fall or I have to fly, I have to try something new And take whatever scars come with it. This isn’t teenage angst, Or a retaliation towards you, I just disagree with too much To claim to be a devoted servant, I want to live this lifestyle, too much I’m too selfish and prideful to live this way, I’m too myself So dear loves of my life, One day I hope we hug again, One day I hope we laugh again, I hope you still love me And think of me always as your daughter And not your enemy.