the day i wrote it away.

So, do you remember that night I decided to go out with my best friend?

I remember, because my energy was heavy

I look up….

…and there you are.

With that conceited, yet welcoming smirk.

I knew it was you because of how you make me feel,

whenever your around.

My hands & armpits start pouring down sweat,

my stomach begins to turn,

my mind starts to think of everything that can, will or did go wrong.

I mean who do you think you are?

Yes, you were there for those five months I hid in my room,

what I thought was the equivalent to comforting me.

You explained to me why it would never work.

Why I would never be the eclectic spirit able to freely live life without the worry of who may not understand me.

Yes, if you want credit, you was there.

Aiding in the many drunken nights that prompted angry blackouts & sick mornings.

Asking the same question everyday, "why am I doing this to myself?"

Yes, it was you holding my hair back while telling me to let it all out.

Responding to my question, "I don't know why you do this to yourself".

By 2 o'clock your handing me another bottle.

If that's your definition of your comfort then that is definitely not what I need.

Ever.

I always felt smothered by you.

I could never go anywhere.

I could never start conversations with people.

My eyes began to love flooring.

I was insecure.

I passed over so many opportunities because of you.

And trust me I allowed for you to do this.

I guess you became my definition for "self love".

I became you & you controlled me.

You were apart of me.

I embraced you.

To others on the outside WE were a great couple.

Confidence looked good on us,

but behind closed doors no one knew the damage you did.

I was a doll & you had me by strings.

Those days I looked in the mirror while brushing my teeth,

doing my hair & makeup,

you helped me smile.

Encouraged me to think I was really doing something. 

Only now I realize that was the made-up part of me.

That wasn't who I was.

I was completely lost.

Being with you was bitter sweet.

At times you made me feel better about myself.

Then you had that way of reminding me you ran the show.

It was all about you in the end.

Why wouldn't it be though.

That's how you are able to be you.

Understand that I am not mad at you for being who you are

and I do not resent the days we spent together.

It has made me who I am today. 

Just know that this will be the last time

I allow you to live within me,

answer for me

and push me away from my destiny.

From this day on we will never cross paths again.

I am changing my number you will never be able to speak to those loose thoughts in my head.

I am changing my address therefore my new place of peace is out of reach.

I am changing and for that, THIS is over.

It feels so good to be able to write you though.

It releases pressure from my soul.

At the end of the day I thank you, it has been one of hell of ride.

Oh and you will never have to worry about me talking about you.

I vow to myself I will never speak in the name of Fear again. 

Peace.