dead inside

No one ever talks about it, of course. Never had I heard of anyone else sitting on a dirty toilet bleeding until suddenly, its all over. No one ever says that the most heartbreaking moment of my life shouldn't be talked about, but its the truth. My honesty will always feel like too much, but it happened. It all happened. Virginity gone, baby made, parents ashamed, ultrasound, std tests, more ultrasounds, humiliation, baby gone. It all happened. My life was changed in an instant when I became a mom. All the trauma of heartbreak and betrayal from the boy who said he cared and then acted like a demon disappeared when I peed on that little stick and had a whole other world to worry about. It was hell and excitement, everything that was too marvelous and strange to explain, but I was happy. Then, it all came crashing down when my baby didn't have a heartbeat. And suddenly my hearbeat became so apparent that I could almost feel it break. Tears came from me, but not from my mother who so badly wanted this miscarriage. Did she comfort me? No, she laughed with a friend in the waiting room while I wept. It wasn't even the worst part. The worst was waiting. Going to work day after day for almost a week at my new job where I knew no one. I grieved in silence, because who really cares about the girl with the dead baby inside her? Who am I kidding, the worst part wasn't waiting. It was feeling like I was in labor and knowing this child, this dead baby inside my womb was going to have to come out whether I was ready or not, and pushing, pushing, pushing. Oh the pushing. Like breaking my heart over and over again. It didn't matter because I felt alone. That was the worst part, and THAT is what people never say.