Dear 10-year-old Self

Dear 10-year-old Self,

I know, life’s kind of weird right now, making friends is tough,

living by Mom and Dad’s rules is tougher, and living with the boys is toughest.

Things are going to get worse before they get better. Not many people understand what is going on in your head, but I promise, they’re trying.

You’re going to get mad at Mom…so very mad at her, but go easy.

You don’t realize this yet but being a young mother with two boys and a strong-willed daughter is harder than she makes it look.

When you try to hurt her out of anger, you are succeeding more than you know. 

This troubled, defiant, strong-willed spirit you seem to be born with is a struggle to live through, but it is not in vain. This fire doesn’t die; even when it seems to be nearly scorched you always maintain some kind of passion. That passion becomes productive.

You are afraid of a lot of things, the shadows that live in your walls, the dreams that haunt you, the uncontrollable urges to run, yell, scream and lash out; while these fears do not leave you, you grow to be thankful for them. Your troubles become your greatest strengths.

Never forget about this time where you feel trapped inside yourself, unable to find the words to articulate your emotions. You will become quite the academic later on and this self-awareness you have developed at such a young age will later be used to help other girls like you.

You spend much time crying for the injustices of the world, the poor woman begging for money on the street, the foster children you befriend, the cat you see dying in the alleyway.

Your desire to help is the first step toward action. You spend much of your high school experience and the first part of your adult life fighting fervently against injustices such as these.

In your early adult life you will move far from home, for the simple purpose of helping people.

You will move to a neighborhood nationally recognized for its high crime rate. I know that, at your age, this fact does not scare you but strikes you with curiosity. Keep that spirit about it, because that’s what will make the experience bearable.

You will meet so many characters along the way. Your struggle to make friends will turn into your desire and willingness to listen and soak in the stories of those you come in contact with each day. You learn to develop relationships with people far deeper than you can currently imagine.

You learn that the best way to help that begging woman on the street is not to give her your dollars or your fruit snacks, but to sit right next to her on the side of the street and listen to her story, for your listening ears become your greatest source of generosity.

You dislike school, that will not change, but it is important that you know that those mean girls don’t go away. I know you think you can ride this friendship out until they realize that you can be one of them but Maddie, oh Maddie, it is not worth it. Don’t indulge in their antics. Don’t pine after the boys they crush on. Please, for the love of God, don’t allow the jealousy you have for their money, their hair, their seemingly perfect bodies, families, and lives, to turn into resentment toward the lot you have been given in life.

Don’t think that you’re better than them, because you’re not; but never for a second believe that you are lesser than them either.

Once you graduate from the institution that keeps you confined with these people, the adventures that await you turn into a growing experience that makes you wonder why you ever entertained their behavior in the first place.

I should probably cover boys, because I know you are probably wondering about that. Before you get your hopes up too high you should know that relationships are not like the ones you saw in High School Musical, even though that’s what you had in mind.

I don’t want to reveal too much about this area, because your mistakes become growing experiences that help you to make wiser decisions later on; but you need to know that mistakes are okay.

Relationship screw-ups do not isolate you from the rest of the world, nor do they ruin your purity as much as you have been brought up to believe. I know this is a big concept for you to try and digest right now but you need to know that you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself when you let things happen that you regret later on.

Use your good judgement, try to enjoy yourself, and see every mistake as something to learn from, rather than a regret etched on your permanent-life record.

Finally, you need to know that you actually are very smart. I know that you feel behind from your classmates right now, but give it a few years. Your struggles with your grades right now teach you to work hard academically and eventually hard work trumps intuition. Give it your best shot and remember that each experience builds off of the one before it. 

You are loved widely and deeply, even if you don’t quite recognize it yet. Keep your head up, you’re stronger than you think.