Dear Amma

Dear Amma

Si pudiera escribir esto en Tamil,

lo haría.

I wrote that in Spanish because it’s my default foreign language,

and I still haven’t learned my

Mother-in-law tongue.

I’m sorry.

What I meant was,

If I could write this in Tamil,

                I would.

I wish that I could,

but it’s so hard

and I suck.

How can I tell you

how proud I am and

how fortunate I feel

to be part of your beautiful family?

Love is different

in Tamil –

Kaadhal, I know –

but to show it

is restricted.

Your love

is in the food you make.

And mine?

The abrupt stop in conversation after

                “Hello, how are you?”

because that’s actually

                all I can say?

The refusal to come home

                every day for lunch

because I’m American and

my definition of family

                includes space?

The not infrequent tuning-out of conversation

                because it takes

                too much energy

                to try

                to understand?

I’m sorry.

But maybe you see it,

                Kaadhal.

In my smile,

                my energy.

In the amount of food

                that I eat.

In the way I tie

                my sari.

In bangles and bindis

                and anklets and toe rings

                that I wouldn’t

                be wearing

                otherwise.

I hope that you see it.

To be the daughter-in-law

                that you deserve

                for your wonderful son,

Am I good enough?

I hope that one day

                we can laugh together

                at jokes we share;

Learn from each other

                with recipes we tell;

Talk about our dreams

                and our memories

                and our emotions;

Plan occasions to

                celebrate together.

I hope that we can

                shout and argue and disagree,

                apologize and compromise and rejoice.

Until that day,

                I’m listening.

                Ketkiren

                I’m reading

                Vasikkiren

                I’m studying

                Padikkiren

                and, slowly

                I’m speaking

                Pesren

Naan adigama Tamil pesa matten…

But I’m trying.

                I’m trying.

                I’m trying.

Poituvaren.