Dear Childhood

Dear Childhood,

I wish I had gotten to know you better
How long ago was it that I left?
It was certainly early

Worries winding spindly fingers around my neck
Gnawed nails and bags under my eyes
The quiet sigh of the acceptance of another night lost

Choking feelings burning hot in my chest
I’m not good enough, and, I don’t deserve this
Just… tired. Just… grey.

Responsibility feels like aching, cold feet and burned fingers
I burnt your potatoes again, sorry Mom
You couldn’t tell me, dad couldn’t tell me differently because you were working

Can I have another chance?
Even as the sand slips through my fingers, burying me
Would you come back?

What did I do wrong?
To deserve this?
Any of it?

Feeling alien and strange in my own body doesn’t help
How was I supposed to know what was happening?
That it was natural?
No one ever told me anything.

Why can’t she just accept that?
Try to make me feel comfortable?
She ripped me from you, after all

I didn’t, don’t, will never, ever
Ever
Want this

It doesn’t help when she yells at me, you know
How ungrateful! Lazy pigs!
Why am I expected to provide for you?

But anyway, old friend,
In truth,
I had wanted to leave

It would get me away, after all.
Away from her.
Away from them.

But once you left, truly left
I realized that I was wrong
I’m sorry

Please, come back?
Even as I’m buried under the weight of time passing
Even as I grow older into this unright body

Would you?

Sincerely,
Half buried and fully overwhelmed