Dear Christina

Dear Christina,

I remember heading up to Flagstaff, promising myself never to fall in love no matter what. Being played twice was already hard enough for meI believed that Flagstaff wouldn't have the people I would find attractive, and I thought I was safe from any sort of harm. Just auditioning for drumline scared the crap out of me, considering I was forced to get to know people, and I was afraid of what damage anyone could cause me. I couldn't trust anyone. My downward spiral nearly brought me to my knees, but by then it was time for me to start fresh. It was finally time for the drumline to work with the band, and I could tell that eighty percent of the people were absolute band nerds and twenty percent were drum corp status, meant to be here. None of them really caught my attention, until I looked at the mellophone section and someone stood out - someone who didn't seem to care so much about the makeup they had on and just wanted to live life as is. As usual, I kept myself from making contact because I knew something would happen and I didn't want that.

I remember one night, after band practice, Amanda invited me over to her dorm to play some Uno with Oscar, and you joined along. We got to her dorm and I lounged on her roommate’s chair, while you guys sat around on the floor. Amanda then asked me to play some music, which you seemed to enjoy a lot considering that you would sing along to it. The night after that, you hit me up on messenger asking me to send you my snapchat, which I gladly did and after that we started talking ‘till two in the morning, introducing ourselves and talking about our past relationships. Towards the end you told me, "I'm gonna go to sleep, talk to you tomorrow. I really wanna keep talking to you." Those were the words I never thought I would hear come out of anyone's mouth, considering that I was always isolated and no one ever wanted to talk to me. I felt something ignite, but I didn't want to accept it and this euphoria was such a great feeling that I was deprived of.

Two days later, you asked to hang out, so I agreed and I invited you into my dorm. Even though we awkwardly sat in silence for a few minutes, we eventually started talking about music and what was good. Then, I showed you my lack of skills on guitar and piano. You said you had "seen worse,” even though I still believed I was the worst. A few hours later, we decided to walk around campus and talk about our high school life and how our Mexican family system works. My audition time was closing in, so we decided to spend the rest of our time by the observatory staring at the stars. I remember you asking, "What do you think happens after death?" and I said, "We just live someone else's life and you continue that cycle until you live every person's life.” The night would get colder and colder and you would get closer and closer to me and at one point, you asked about how I felt about relationships. I told you how I regretted being in any relationship and I didn’t ever want to be in a relationship again, but you insisted that I shouldn't last past experiences hold me back and I felt like you were trying to tell me something.

Two nights later, you invited me to your dorm. Your roommate walked in looking like she had a rough day and immediately passed out. We just sat on your bed watching stupid Youtube videos. At one point, you got so close that you laid your head on my shoulder. Next, you wrapped your arm around me, and soon enough our legs intertwined. It felt so awkward at first since my negativity was still in me, but once my euphoria rushed through me, I forgot about my pessimistic side. My anxiety just vanished. It was two in the morning, and I thought it was about time that I left to go to bed. You looked straight at me and we both seemed to know what we wanted. We went straight in for the kiss. I was lost of breath because I forgot what making out felt like. I just had so much euphoria and that was when I asked you out and you accepted.

I remember spending nights with you either watching Parks and Rec or The Office or even just talking the night away. I never knew someone like you would enjoy my presence. I felt your connection and I just wanted to be with you the entirety of my time. I remember taking you to the percussion ensemble and having to watch two and a half hours of our friends drumming with each song lasting a good fifteen minutes. Every minute I spent with you was a minute worth spending.

You took off to audition for The Academy and I supported you, saying that you would either make it in or at least get a callback. After that is when you told me, “I miss you”: three words I never thought I would hear from anyone. I felt some sort of feeling a feeling of comfort something that wasn’t negative, something that didn’t say “don’t hope for too much because you won’t get it.” It all just went away I never thought one person would make all my negativity become obsolete. I was finally happy.

***

It’s finally two thousand and eighteen and all of a sudden I’m feeling something I shouldn’t. I’m hearing things I shouldn’t be - something I should have denied but only let it consume me and create someone else. I remember saying that I cared for people, but you said “I cared too much”, and all of a sudden, something inside of me snapped. I just couldn’t care for you anymore - I couldn’t care for anyone anymore. You said, “I am easily hurt” and all of my past traumatic moments hit me within a fraction of a second. My blood boiled and my mindset was unstable. You said I have issues when it comes to not having feelings for my ex. It was because I couldn’t continue loving someone I gave the entire world to just to be told that she was sleeping with three other guys. I didn’t even have the chance to take her home so why would I continue loving her. Why would I continue loving you for changing me, for making me the person who I shouldn’t be. The good inside of me is now obsolete. I told you too much, then you took control of me. You made me feel loved and dropped it all unexpectedly. You made me vulnerable and ripped the good out of me.

Night after night I grew a negative mindset. I needed something to release this grudge, but I've held it in for so long that if I released it, someone would get hurt. I see your damn face every Wednesday and Thursday night, and I just want to inflict pain on you like you told me to. The good that still remains in me is dying and withering away, but keeping me from going down into a six-foot hole.

Day after day, I continue to wonder why I even thought it was a good idea to be with you. I knew I should have kept my promise to never love anyone. I continue to look at you and view you as a disgrace - someone I can never give a second chance, no matter the excuse. I’m not the one driving anymore, I’m merely holding myself back from digging my own grave. I’m just taking this downward spiral to wherever it intends to take me. I don’t laugh at the same jokes anymore, I hardly talk to anyone anymore, I hardly eat, because at times I forget that I am human. I should have known I was being played.

I remember promising myself to never love again. I failed, and now I have to deal with this downward spiral for the third time, but this time I’m so far down this spiral I can’t even see anymore. Thanks for rebuilding my anxiety. Thanks for bringing back my pessimistic mindset. Thanks for making me passive-aggressive again. Thanks for wasting my time.