Dear Dad, Are You Proud Of Me?

Dear Dad,

I'll keep this brief.

I won't pretend to know why you did what you did

Or what was going throuhg your head

That day you pulled the trigger

That changed the lives of your kids,

The lives of your parents,

The lives of your sisters.

But please understand

That I understand.

I understand why the thought crossed your mind.

I struggle with the same feelings every day.

Would you have ever guessed

That almost twenty years since that day

Your son would've followed in your footsteps?

Always the artistic rebel,

"Too cool for school",

Stuck working dead end jobs

Ever since graduation,

Not the model child your parents wanted.

I grew up to be you.

I wasn't an A+ student.

I hated school and the people there with me.

I've been bouncing between jobs for over three years now.

But there's a few differences between us.

I'm going back to school,

I'll be studying psychology

Because I'd like to know more

About the disease that poisoned your mind,

That tore you away from us,

The same disease that plagues my mind

And is a constant struggle for me

To not let history repeat itself.

I want to help prevent others from finding that option

As their only way out.

As my only way out.

I want to fix myself.

In a few short months

I will have passed you in age.

There are many questions I have left to ask you

But I know that time is precious

And better used working on finding inner peace.

So the only question I want to leave you with is this:

Are you proud of the young man

That I became?

The same young man that you weren't here to raise

And watch walk across stage

And recieve his diploma?

Was it worth it? 

I'm not mad

Or disappointed.

But if there is another life beyond this one,

I hope we can meet each other there

And watch the rest of time progress

Like you never left us to begin with.

Until then,

I await the day we meet again.

Your son,

Daniel