Dear Depression,

Dear Depression,

My greatest adversary and comrade.

I remember the first time we met as if it was yesterday.

I always knew you were there looking over my shoulder from time to time, waiting for me to confront you instead of looking down in shame. But today was different, today was real.

It was finally our day to meet in the blue and white walls of the hospital room with my sweaty palms passing the nurse the survey I just completed.

Two minutes passed.

Five minutes passed.

Time starts to lose its meaning until I hear the click of the doorknob turn.

The nurse enters my room she was accompanied by my doctor, I could feel their looks of pity and sympathy glance over at us.  As they discussed the results with my mother you sat down laughing at me in victory knowing you won this battle.

You choked on your laughing seeing my mother’s eyes fill with tears and dismay and for a second her boundaries crumbled and I saw what I did, what you did.

I wish I could forget about you, I wish I could erase your existence from my life and my soul. Maybe I can try.

Sometimes I forget you’re there, watching my every move. But you can’t even let me have that because I can still feel your hands reaching up to plunge me into the darkness between the laughs I share with my friends and smiles I plaster on my face. I can hear you suffocating me with the whispers of doubt. I can feel you as my body goes rigid in moments like that.

You have been the decider of my fate and my path for more than I can remember. The onlooker of the tragedy of my life.

Now I’m renouncing your rights on my body and my soul. You will no longer be the one to play my cards and force me down a path I do not want to continue.

You are now a bystander in my life, an insignificant setback that dwells but will not hold me back any longer.

This is my final goodbye to you, depression.