Dear Father

You were a fucked up kid, so was I Because of you No problem; mom she did everything she could You should've used a condom But no; I'm blessed and love the people in my life You can't screw up that too  You were scared, I get it I am too But shit happens So you had parents who had expectations Welcome to the club But wait I only had one. See my father?  Huh such a foreign word My sperm donor was such a flake He struck out three times I should forgive  I wrote a speech about that But I can't Because it seems that even if I try; you won't An awkward  phone call Words I didn't know how to say You thought I was someone else By the same name  You said you knew I was out there Like that my will to forgive fled Because you did nothing I emailed you everyday for 2 months No reply Are you even alive Your sister; who's not even sure if I am part of the family Cares more than you It really hurts;  this silence, this apathy But you wouldn't know Because I'm pretty sure now that a heart sized chunk of quartz sits in my chest At least that's what it feels like I shower so much, just to try to wipe away;  your taint, your DNA But I'm never clean, I'll never be clean But along with your filth There is a sickness A fear that I'll be just like you "No kids for me" I always say; then I'd have to care or maybe I won't give a shit Like father like daughter All I know about you is that you're dying and living with a strange woman You probably care just as much about her as you do me Does she know??  Do her children know how you've failed I probably have more siblings Fuck you and your selfish needs; I needed a father And I have many, no thanks to you and All better men than you ever could be They taught me strength, kindness, compassion Traits I'm so afraid are impermanent Because are they really mine Is it my destiny to follow your path The selfishness, the fear, the disappointment And you thought nobody would understand All because you couldn't handle having a father in the navy, who thought you could be a gentleman Well sails up sunshine, you don't have much longer And I will never come to you, which is my fault My choice, my irrevocable decision  but I don't care. Just like you. Truly yours, Your daughter who can't find the strength anymore