Dear Father

Fri, 12/08/2017 - 02:17 -- mjhcars

You were a fucked up kid, so was I
Because of you
No problem; mom she did everything she could
You should've used a condom

But no; I'm blessed and love the people in my life
You can't screw up that too

 You were scared, I get it
I am too
But shit happens

So you had parents who had expectations
Welcome to the club

But wait I only had one.
See my father?
 Huh such a foreign word

My sperm donor was such a flake
He struck out three times

I should forgive
 I wrote a speech about that
But I can't

Because it seems that even if I try;
you won't
An awkward  phone call

Words I didn't know how to say
You thought I was someone else
By the same name

 You said you knew I was out there
Like that my will to forgive fled
Because you did nothing

I emailed you everyday for 2 months
No reply
Are you even alive

Your sister;
who's not even sure if I am part of the family
Cares more than you

It really hurts;
 this silence, this apathy
But you wouldn't know

Because I'm pretty sure now that a heart sized chunk of quartz sits in my chest
At least that's what it feels like

I shower so much, just to try to wipe away;
 your taint, your DNA
But I'm never clean, I'll never be clean

But along with your filth
There is a sickness
A fear that I'll be just like you

"No kids for me" I always say;
then I'd have to care or maybe I won't give a shit
Like father like daughter

All I know about you is that you're dying and living with a strange woman
You probably care just as much about her as you do me

Does she know??
 Do her children know how you've failed
I probably have more siblings

Fuck you and your selfish needs; I needed a father
And I have many, no thanks to you and
All better men than you ever could be

They taught me strength, kindness, compassion
Traits I'm so afraid are impermanent
Because are they really mine

Is it my destiny to follow your path
The selfishness, the fear, the disappointment
And you thought nobody would understand

All because you couldn't handle having a father in the navy, who thought you could be a gentleman
Well sails up sunshine, you don't have much longer

And I will never come to you, which is my fault
My choice, my irrevocable decision
 but I don't care. Just like you.

Truly yours,
Your daughter who can't find the strength anymore

This poem is about: 
Me
My family

Comments

angelicalopez1

Hi. I'm sorry you are going through the emotions you are going through but if you don't forgive your father they will just keep resurfacing again. You have to do it for yourself. My situation is different from yours. I did have a father in my life but he was always busy working and was never there for me. My grandfather was. I know you don't feel like forgiving and after all, it is not right what you are having to face but this is a fallen, fucked up world. I hope you find some resolution to your emotions. Do it for your internal healing. God bless 

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