Dear first love,

You left me scarred

Positively

and negatively

You know everything you did right

but little of what you did wrong.

I can’t get close,

to anyone at all

because i’m scared they’ll leave,

just like you did.

I trusted you

I trusted that you would never leave

But i was wrong.

I’m scared

that i will be put second.

I’m scared i won’t be a priority,

to anyone.

You gave me the love that everyone wishes for

But with that

You gave me doubts,

1 a.m. arguments,

Uncontrollable crying.

You loved me,

there’s no doubt in that.

But you were careless,

Reckless,

Thoughtless.

We ended,

but my love didn’t.

You were and are my first  love.

There’s no do overs for this

There’s no taking back anything

at all

I can’t take back all the kisses

the i love you’s

the hand holding

the good morning and good night texts.

It’s all said and done.

Even if you weren’t the first love experience i wanted

You’re the one i got.
You’re the name i’ll call in my contacts when i’m drunk

You’re the story i’ll tell my grandkids when they ask

You’re the person i’ll remember for breaking my heart a million times

but putting it back together better than the last time.

Until those times come all i do is wish

I wish that in 2 years i’ll be in college

Walking through the campus

Then i’ll see you

and it’ll be like falling in love all over again.

But

I also hope i never see you again

I hope that you remain just a memory

I hope that you find love and happiness

Because i know i can’t give it to you anymore.

Falling in love with you was

fast  and unexpected

But falling out of love is

painful and unwanted.

I know i’m no longer your muse

maybe i never was

but maybe i was and am the best and worst muse you’ll ever get.

You,

you made me

and

broke me.

You see

They say everyone has an addiction.

You and your love were mine.

But it’s all done

it’s all over

No going back

But why would i want to?

Why would i go back to the accusations

The doubts

The crying

The arguments

The yelling

You used to tell me that you would love me forever

Till the end of time

But that’s over with

Forever didn’t last long

All those promises were broken

We

We were broken.

Shattered.

Destroyed.

Sometimes i wish i would’ve never met you

Other times i wish you were here by my side

But it’s over.

I’m stuck

I’m stuck because people say you’ll never forget your first love

And i wish that’s true but

I also wish i forget everything about you

So that i stop looking for you in every person i meet

I compare everyone to you

No one will ever compare to you

And that sucks

Because people try to get close

But they can’t

Why?

Because they’re not you

It’s not fair

To them

Or me

I want to love again

And you’re going to start loving again

So

It’s all over first love.

And i am just now accepting it.

I wish nothing but the best for you

Although i wish i was that

I know you’ll find it in someone else

So goodbye for now first love

Maybe one day we’ll run into each other

or maybe one day we will have no memory of eachother

Either one sounds good to me.

 

Sincerely, (hopefully) your first love.