Dear Ghost

Dear ghost,

 

‘you are dead to me’

you said to me

red faced towards me 

‘you are dead to me’

tell me something I don’t know, please

my pleas are futile

your words are brutally abusing me 

I’m not dead enough apparently

another stab

‘you don't exist to me’

your knife missed me

a different knife I used to stab you in the back

I can’t take it back 

but the two are not one

death is not the same as never existing 

you were the queen of my life

and as Queen once said

I don’t want to die

I sometimes wish I’d never been born at all

you scorn it all

It hurts to think I don't exist to you 

but that’s not true

I’m dead to you

and you to me

rest in peace 

rest at all if you can 

I can’t sleep

your knife may have missed me

but I can’t stop missing you

I can’t stop thinking about you 

but you are dead to me

I can’t bury myself in you if you're six feet under

I can’t text you if you blocked my number

I can’t apologize to a dead girl

it’s one or the other 

I’m dead or

I’m not dead nor 

living nor 

anything

I am grieving 

you may be breathing 

your heart may be beating

but you are gone

so long to the person I love 

I’d love to hold you once more

one more adventure

I’m sure you're watching over me

wherever you are

you are dead to me

but you live on in my memory

 

Sincerely,

an old friend