Dear God,

Dear God,

I have never felt more abandoned in my life. I know how strong I was before I lost Aspen. I would have gone to the ends of the world proclaiming you as the Almighty King of my Earth. I thought no hardship could tear me from Your hands. I knew, no matter the loss, I would be safe as long as You were with me. Now that my world has been forever changed, the only thing I long to feel is Your presence.

Why do You leave at the moment our need is greatest? In my head I felt that Your abandonment after I lost my best friend was insult to injury, but I realize that losing him was actually the insult and You slamming the door in my face was the greatest injury I’ve ever experienced. Why would You do this? Why leave me when I need You most? I knew that I could get through any trial as long as You carry me. Why have you dropped me? Left me to rot in a pit of lost causes? Is this who You really are?

I loved You with my entire existence, Lord. I still do. But I have never felt this confused about anything. I trusted You one hundred percent, with all of me. I trusted Your plan for my life and that You will generously provide all that I need. What do I do when I ask You to heal someone I love and you say no? Could there be anything more painful than watching someone you love with all your heart die in your arms? Yes, perhaps knowing that You could have saved his life and instead you let him writhe in pain, die a slow death and then leave me stranded on an island away from You. Why would You do that?

Even something this painful would be bearable if only You were with me. If You are not with me this time, why would You be there the next?

What do I do God? Do I turn my back on You? Do I live my life declaring to the ends of the world that You are not our loving Father? Do I spend the rest of my life telling people of Your cruelty and abandonment? Do I say that I’ve been living my life believing in someone who is not there? Someone that dupes us into thinking He loves us and then abandons us when our need is greatest? No. Because that is not who You are, God. What is going on, I do not know. Why I feel as though You have truly left me, I do not know. Why You let this happen at all, I do not know. Why Your presence seems to be absent in the hardest trails of life, I do not know. But where else can I go, God? You are my Shepherd, my King, my Healer and more than anything You are my Father whom I love. Whom I still love and I still trust, even though I do not understand my circumstances. No trial can tear me from Your hands, God.

I love you, God.

Your servant, Keri Love