Dear Happy Couple

Sad Loner

111 Desolation Lane

Misery Township

Hell 45678

Happy Couple

123 Sunshine Street

Merry Rainbow Village

Candyland 09876

Dear Happy Couple,

Shut up and keep your happiness to yourself

You blush

You stutter

Appalled, you deny

You say you don’t understand

Oh, but you do.

Frollicking through candy cane fields

Smooching on park benches

Sweet caresses in Pixie Dust Gardens

Eskimo kisses in ice cream snow

Bliss oozes like puss from your every pore.

That’s right

I’ve noticed.

All the chronic singletons have.

Gag me with a rusty spoon—

A sad, rusty, deformed spoon

Like the one that serves as a beer opener in my house.

On behalf of every lonely wretch who’s never been kissed

On behalf of every poor soul whose date for Valentine’s Day

was a tub of brownie ice cream

I beg of you.

Have mercy on us

And take your euphoria

And your glittering, dreamy doe eyes

And put a paper bag over it.

Dear Happy Couple

I’m not bitter.

Not at all.

Though it would be justified if I were

You’d be too if the closest thing to a relationship you’d ever had

Was playing third wheel in a flirty conversation

Online.

So please

Have some consideration for the romantically impoverished

And keep your happiness to yourselves.

Sincerely,

Sad Loner