Dear Katy

I miss you

Sometimes I want nothing more

than to push back

against the clock

and cut you to the bone

with nothing but my fingers

And you'll bleed

And you'll die

And I’ll soak in what’s left of you

And become myself again.

It's useless to try and kill you now

You don't exist

You only did for a moment

And in this one I sit here

Angry at myself

For longing

For someone who does not exist

For someone I built

For someone I knew indefinitely

But someone I can't find within myself no matter how hard I push back.

We are the same.

I’m just envious of you

Because for a moment there you had it,

We both thought you did,

We both thought it would last

And that I would have it now,

But I don't

And I can't find you

And most days I don't know what to do or where to look.

Moments of clarity tell me that you didn't exist

Any differently than I do now.

We are the same

And I built us both.

Tell me then,

Why I can't rebuild you.

Are you really gone?

I inhabit the only space you ever managed to occupy and yet I am without you.

Because you died.

And I let you.

I thought I was making space for things to come,

But all I want not is for someone to wring me out and drip away

Every bit of grime and tears these past months have accumulated.