Dear Mom

Mom, I need you

Oh how I need you

Tomorrow will come and yet you will miss my laughter and tears

Eyes sleepy and glazed over

You are right here, but you are not here

I will clean your messes and put you to bed

No, you will not remember any of what you have done

The words you have thrown at me

The blood you have drawn from my limbs

The reckless choices you have made me follow you on

Where have you gone to?

Where is your mind? 

Are you happy?

Everything changes when the orange bottle rattles

Right?! This is not right mother.

Have you not thought what I go through for you?

Tonight I put you to sleep, but I need you now.

But you are sleeping while I lay awake monitoring you,

And as far as you know, everything is okay.

Four long years of this

Four years of secrets

Now I feel the pressure and I have eyes following my every move

You swear to get help today.

Swear to be better... for me.

I want you to be happy

I want you to be healthy

I want to see you with my babies

I want to watch you cry when I wear white. 

Please be healthy. 

Please do not leave.

Love,

Your daughter.