Dear Mom and Dad

It goes in one ear and out the other.

 

You want me to talk to you but you're too busy yelling at each other.  Complain you never see me but why would I want to stay?  When more than half the time I spend  at home is being depressed all day.  Who gives a shit if things aren't perfect?  You expect the best out everyone like you do with her?  I guess I wouldn't know what I'm talking about huh?  Cuz on the inside I'm just a little girl.  You guys act how I felt with my ex  There were some good times but they never outweighed the bad.  It was a constant struggle everyday to try to treat him like somebody who didn't remind me of you, Dad.  Always asking for something,  Always needing but never wanting to do on his own.  I get the old age and disabled thing but you're a man who's grown.  It shouldn't be my fault or my guilt that you can't walk,  That my mother's husband is practically on his death bed while he's talking just to talk.  It's not my fault or my guilt that she can't leave you in the past  Even though we all know you'd both be better off if you'd just split at last.  I'm so tired of hearing bullshit after bullshit in all these venting sessions,  I don't care anymore I'm over it Ive already learned all these fucking lessons.  I guess the only one left to learn is to do right by me,  Cuz happiness doesn't know the whims of a fucked up family tree.  You guys are always at each others throats,  Screaming about stupid shit.  And I almost want to put you both in time out until you can stop being little misfits.  Everything you guys say seems to hurt the other,  You always find a way to get back at one another.  It's like dealing with two people who just want to fucking quit,  And you know that isn't fair when you always tell me I can't do that shit.  I'm not allowed to give up or say that I'm done,  Because having me around gives you a reason not to buy that gun  The one that I wanted to buy when my life felt like it was falling apart,  When I stole blades from the box cutters at work because I felt like getting rid of all the blood in my heart,  The gun I stood staring at while it was sitting In the glass case of the store,  Because I wanted the bullets to go through my fucking brain 'cause I couldn't take it anymore.  All the hospital visits, expectations, obligations, guilt, and rejection,  Had me looking in the mirror and hating my own reflection.   And what the fuck was I supposed to do exactly? How was I to react  When the fact of the matter was that I had to keep my sanity intact?  And there was Mom accusing me of being happy about you dying, Dad  As if all throughout my childhood it wasn't bad enough to be told I was lying  When I told you both I loved you and you were drinking all the time  A fucking box or two of wine a night and  Mom just went with it until you'd committed the harsher crime  Of taking out your frustrations on me because I wasn't really yours  Because I was the bastard child who was the cause of all of your woes  The thing you didn't sign up for but man I sure was cute,  That's about the extent of it though isn't it? The rest is all brought to moot.    And you know you and Mom both are the ones who taught me to stay  When I knew it wasn't right and I could feel my emotions slipping away.  You guys are the ones who taught me not to leave,  Even if it's their intention to deceive.  I might have left both of them sooner had I been shown how to have the bravery  To figure out I deserved better than to end up in loveless slavery  To a person whose only goal in my life was to bring me nothing but agony,  Or to a person who never knew how to be alone so he became overly attached to me.    I would say I'm not trying to blame you for the way my life has been,  But I know that if I did that I'd be lying to myself yet again.  I made some pretty stupid decisions of that I know to be absolutely true.  And for those I guess it would be pretty fucked up if I took the easy road and blamed you.    And there's a part of me that wants to find empathy for you two,  Try to feel what you feel try to wear your worn down shoes,  But every time I get close and start to feeling the pain  I see the truth behind your lies and realize there's nothing to gain  Because you never see eye to eye with me and you always play the victim,  It's never really your fault you always blame it on the system  Or society or loved ones but it's never on you  And every story that you give me of wrong doings is untrue.  There's always some part in your words that just doesn't add up  Like everybody's out to get you and to take all you got.  Or in my case try to kill you, fuck if that were the real case  I would have done it a long time ago, smashed a pillow to your face.  I never understood how a person could be paranoid to such a degree  That they wouldn't trust the food made by their own  family.  A  teenager barely even fourteen  And you accusing me of putting rat poison in your  tea.  Who does that shit and means it? Every goddamn word?  And then wonders why their kid has started to shut them out of their world?    And, Mom, you were always there but were too scared to take a stand  It wasn't you holding me up it was me holding your hand  So you could get through another day with him and maybe you'd be alright  Until the next time you start yelling until the next time you start to fight  Cuz I was the only thing you had left that he couldn't take away from you  I was the only thing left that was the driving thing to get you through  But at the same time you didn't let me grow  because you knew if I started thinking for myself I would t want to stay home  And play house with you and Dad  Be your little punching bag  Throwing emotions at my heart until all that was left was mad,  But you could t stop me from thinking  You couldn't keep me from the truth  And I started believing that the true evil was you  Because I could t have a voice you're what made me so afraid  To speak my mind to others to take up my own life's reins,  You thought by keeping me in the dark you were keeping me from wanting to leave  But it just made me want to leave even more because I just could t believe  That a person could be so selfish and not consider the damage done  When they deny their own child the right to be someone.    And every time I bring someone over you guys put on your nice guy hats  And you pretend your lives are cheerful like all your caves aren't full of bats,  Like all your closets are nice and clean  And there's no monsters under the bed  But I know the truth about you two cuz you've made monsters inside my head,  You can fool any stranger who walks through the door  You can pretend to be happy as you're mopping the floor  Of the blood, sweat, and tears you both pull out of each other  But I know when they see you its your true selves that you smother.  You hide it all away until you get comfortable enough,  And one of these days you'll no longer act all tough  And you'll slip and you'll let everybody see  What it really means to be in a loveless slavery.    I remember when I was younger I wanted to take control  I wanted to be your regulator, the one to tell you both no,  No you can't have more pills you've taken your daily dose,  No more wine for today, you can barely feel your fucking toes,  No I will not get that for you, get the fuck up and move around  But of course because I was a kid my words and regulations were already bound.  I remember when I told Dad I could always tell him no to a pill  And he said that was because I didn't care how much pain he would feel  He said that was because I hated him and he knew it  That I never loved him and he didn't have to put up with all this shit  Cuz he's a hard working man, the reason there was food on the plate,  And I wouldn't know what it was like to have to stay at work late.  I wouldn't know because I was just a kid I was just the little girl always responsible for whatever you guys did.  And no one ever believed me either when I denied accusations,  It was the very same response no matter the situation,  It was always "it wasn't us so it must be you"  But you couldn't have forgotten that's not possibly the truth.    I've seen you guys back stab and I've seen you talk shit  About a person you tell you love them and when they're out of sight that's it,  In a way you kind of fit each other's masks because the both of you are two faced   You set out to use people never warning them that their trust is misplaced.  I could never understand how you could love someone and then accuse them of doing you wrong  Until I started doing it myself because the fear inside of me became so strong,  Strong enough to make it so very hard to trust  That I am a person of want for others not just another heart to bust,  That my self worth is more than screams and lies and pain and never feeling  That I deserve to be happy and by being so I won't be stealing  It from some poor other person who deserves it more than I do  Because there's no reason that happiness can't be spread to me through and through,  That I am not a worthless person to be stepped on and stepped over  That I can fend for myself until the day my life is finally over,  That I have a voice and it is my obligation to let it keep on ringing  That no amount of put-me-downs can stop my heart from singing,  That despite everything telling me just to quit while I still can  I have the choice to keep on going and in my life I can take that stand.    I'm not saying all you did was do me wrong until the end  or that you were the only factor in my life that did any harm inside my head  All I'm saying is it didn't help when I had to hear those words from you  And then leave the next morning just to hear it from peers at school.  You know kids aren't very forgiving when you look different and you're afraid  They like to exploit your darkest fears so you'll always remember what they said.  The words never ended until I just stopped listening  but by that time the damage had already been done and in my heart the wounds were still glistening.  I tried to cover it up with smiles and laughs and kindness  And I got so obsessed with pleasing people it became more like a blindness  And it blocked the view to myself where I had left myself alone,  So I could focus on the others until all my happiness turned to cold.    But I won't do that anymore you see cuz I'm done playing the part of the wounded,  I idolize self assurance, self faith, and being grounded.  If I've learned anything from you two,  It's who I want to be  When the world looks out their windows and all they see is me.  And some of that is a good thing for you, yet a lot of it would make you sad.  But I can't help that any more than you can  Mom and Dad.

This poem is about: 
Me
My family

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