Dear Mother

At age 5 I trip

Skidding on the rough pavement

And when hot, salty tears begin to well in my eyes

You wipe them away

Kiss my skinned knee

And place a Barbie-covered red badge of honor upon my cut-my elementary battle scar

“All Better” you exclaim and put me back on me feet

But you see

Today you don’t have a band aid big enough to cover the wounds on my heart, the scrapes on my soul

I don’t need you to tell me everything is going to be okay

I need you to tell me that it is okay to not be “all better”

I need you to sit with me

And hold me

And cry with me

Not yell when I already can’t breathe because of a weight on my chest I can’t even see

At age 9 I first look in the mirror and begin to hate my body

Terrified of telling anyone, of betraying the smile I plaster on every morning

You don’t know and I don’t blame you because I can hide my hurt.., that’s what you’re supposed to do right?  

I need you to hear that every time you say  i look like a slut for the way I choose to dress,

You take away a bit of the confidence I have fought to build

out of years of being ashamed of the way I look

Mom,

My clothes do not define who I am

My morals are no less sturdy in a crop top than they are in Sweatpants 

The judgments you make about the fabric covering my curves reflect you not me

You Dress how you will and you will be beautiful 

Trust that I will do the same

Mom, what I want is your trust, not your disgust

At age 16 the boy I have fallen in love with begins to pick me up piece by piece

He calls me beautiful 

He calls me confident

He calls me strong

And bit by bit he mends my hurts

He holds me when I cry

And He is there when you aren’t 

Please hear me when I say that he isn’t replacing you 

You are my mother; by nature irreplaceable in my mind,

But sometimes you have to learn to let go

You have to know that things will change

Don’t avoid the inevitable 

Mom,

I need you to believe me when I tell you that you have done a good job raising me

I need you To believe that I am strong

That I am persistent

That I am a person you should be proud of

I need you to listen to me when I dare to speak my mind

I need you to realize that the braids you wove into my hair as a little girl

have created the fiery woman before you

but they can no longer be the ropes you have tightening around my throat when I tell you who I am because I am no longer the little girl who hated scary movies

Who played at the park in velvet dresses

Who crawled into your lap when she was tired

And whose eyes always gleamed with innocence

I’m sorry, but I’m not

Because today

I am a girl torn between a future I long for and a past that I miss

I am a dreamer lost in a world all her own where she is Athena and Venus and her smile never fades

And I am a woman who is proud of my body

A woman Who is proud of my decisions 

A woman who fights for what is right

And finally mom, I need you to recognize that now I HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE MY OWN PERSON