Dear Myah

Dear Myah,

It has been awhile since our friendship kind of just died out. Sometimes I sit and wonder what I could have done to stop that from happening. It is normal though. It happens all the time. What they say is true, who you used to be friends with in junior high is not who you are friends with in high school. It honestly sucks, but maybe there is a reason.

Meeting you at church camp the summer of my 8th grade year was probably the highlight of my life so far. I was between friends, lonely, and struggling to learn to accept myself as well as love myself. I was awkward, not very outspoken, and everyone and I mean EVERYONE thought I was annoying. Until you walked into my cabin, I honestly thought it was gonna be another year of walking around the camp alone and or third wheeling in my group of friends from my own church. I probably weirded you out at first when I freaked out about your One Direction pillow case, but that did not change anything. We became super close.

During my 8th grade year, I confided in you with my struggles at school, boy problems, my personal issues, as well as my struggle to love myself. We hung out and were practically inseparable. I think back on those times and realize those were the happiest I had been in awhile. I was grateful that I had finally found my best friend. Little did I know, or even want to know, that it was all going to end faster than I wanted.

Freshman year started and we were both excited to finally be in high school. Every day we would call each other to talk about how our days were. We described those senior boys we so desperately wanted to have, talked about the annoying kids in our classes, and about how hard our classes seemed to be. I looked forward to those calls. I could not wait to get home and tell you everything.

Sophomore year was not any different. We were still so so close. We constantly talked about how we could not wait until you got your license. We made so many plans. Plans that we eventually kept. I enjoyed every moment of those stupid car rides to the jam out sessions with Fifth Harmony, One Direction, and 5 Seconds of Summer. You came to my dance competitions and cheered me on and I came to watch the play at your school because you did the make up. It was so fun. When I went through the drama with my dad, you let me call you and cry to you because I was terrified. I knew I always had you as an outlet, a life line. Little did I know that was almost over.

When Junior year rolled around, I knew things were different. We went to a concert together, 5 Seconds of Summer, and things seemed fine. In the following weeks, I realized that the friendship was dwindling. I started noticing we were both getting busier and busier. I was starting to hate myself again and was becoming very possessive of you. I did not really feel like I owned you, I was just terrified that I would lose you. I started hanging out with other people and I saw you had been doing the same too. It did not necessarily bother me, but that part of me was jealous. I did not really understand how to handle the loss of a person that I confided in and trusted. There were nights that I would cry wondering what I had done to ruin the friendship, when in reality I had not done anything. It was a normal thing, a friendship ending. I had just never really experienced it in this level before. I mean, yes, I had friends drift apart from me before, but this was different.

Your presence had made me confident. It made me a different person. I felt like I was somebody. I felt like I was somebody worth being around. Once you left, the degrading thoughts that I had about myself returned. I felt worthless, like a screw up. I was sad, but I also knew that maybe it was for the better.

I had let my friendship with you define me. I felt like I was not anyone without you. I had finally felt like I was visible. I finally looked at myself and enjoyed who I was. I felt untouchable. I had made new friends through you, friends that I still have. My life was consumed with being a great friend to you and making sure you still wanted to be my friend. I wanted to impress you.

Looking back on it now, I should have loved myself more. Trying to change for you and make you like me as a person only degraded me. It tore me down so much that there would be nights that I would be crying myself to sleep because I wanted you to like me being around so much. I shut out many of my old friends and now I barely talk to them anymore. They had stayed by my side supporting our friendship until they knew I was being fake. I have actually been called fake for being friends with you. I wish it was not like that, but it happened.

My mom worried about me. For weeks on end I was not my happy self. I was introverted, quiet, and did not talk about anything very much. I was just going through the motions. I could not understand why someone I thought was my best friend, someone I trusted, had just walked out of my life as fast as they came in it.

After awhile I found new friends. I surrounded myself with people that I did not have to change for. I was happy again. I grew as a person and realized my worth and that people liked the real me. I stopped letting people define me and I started living my life the way I wanted.

I just wanted to say thank you. You showed me that I should not change for anyone and if I have to change for anyone then they are not people I need to be around. I realized that constantly shutting people out just for one person was not a good thing. I lost friends and I’ll never get those friends back. I treated them horribly, all because I only wanted you as my best friend. I now realize maybe the end of this friendship was for the best. I hope wherever you are, whatever you are doing, you are happy. I finally am.

Sincerely,

Madison