Dear Nana

Dear Nana,

On August 27th, 2014 you left this world. It's been almost four years since you've been gone. So tell me, why is the pain still here? Why do my eyes water every time I think about all the times you held me? Is this how grieving is supposed to be? Never ending? It sometimes feels that way.

I was a child when you died, and not knowing any better; I took you for granted. I didn't appreciate you enough, I didn't hug you enough, and I didn't even share enough of myself with you. Granted yes, I was only twelve and I had much to learn about the world and myself. I find that these days, the comfort of your memory is somthing that gets me through the hard days of you not being around.

But Nana, I say all this trying to seem like the strong granddaughter I know you would've wanted me to be but Lord help me, I have to tell you I am not. Truth be told, living here on this earth without you has been hell. All I can ever do now is wonder.

I wonder if you would approve of your granddaughter loving women as she does men. I wonder if you know the way you raised your children and the way your daughter has raised me; with criticism, hateful yelling, sweet manipulation and purposeful tactics- is emotional abuse. I wonder if you would be proud of me for the pro-choice, Liberatarian, Bisexual person I am. I wonder what you would think about our current president who has a prejudice against me because I was not born his country but happened to be raised in it. I wonder what you would say about my friends; most of which are in some way supporters or members of the LGBT+ community.

Truth of the matter be told, I wonder so many things about you but in fact for some of them I ponder I know the truth. The ugly truth and within that truth lies the person you really were, not just the one I made you out to be in my head when I needed someone to look up to. You didn't and would approve of me growing into the pro-lgbt woman I am. You wouldn't have thought there was anything wrong with the way you treated my mother or with how she is treating me. You would believe and say everything my heart would yearn you not to. 

It's not your fault that you weren't as open minded as me. You were raised in a completely different society, and country. With parents who saw nothing wrong with beating their children and telling their kids how to live their lives and disowning them if they did not do as they were told. Most importantly, it is not your fault that you had flaws. And I promise you, this letter is not about me calling you out on everything you did wrong. This letter is about telling you, that even if I have this idea of who you were and weren't, I will always cherish the memories we had, the times when you were more of a mother than my own one, and the times you held me and told me you loved me no matter what. 

That promise, of loving me unconditionally, is something I will always hold close to my heart. There were many ways you were flawed but for every flaw there was an equal postive and kind action you've done. If there's anything I want you to know in all the years you haven't been here is this;

I forgive you, for not always being as kind and loving as I remember. I love you just as much as I did when I was younger. And lastly, no matter what ugly comments I hear about you in family arguements, I will always be the one who stands up for you because as much as you did some wrong in your life, there is nothing wrong with the way you showed me motherly love. 

I hope you are truly in a better place than you were in when you died in the hospital and I hope there is a God who is taking care of you.

I love you, forever and always,

your granddaughter, Natalia.