Dear Rapist

Dear Rapist,

I saw you yesterday for the first time in ten months. You saw me and you froze. It seemed like you were debating if you wanted to approach me. I kept my head up high and kept walking. Ignoring you, on how I would ignore the bruises. As soon as you looked into my eyes, the fear I felt when you would hold me against my will. It came flashing back.

The world would be still as if I was trapped within time. Paralyzed bye your touch, with moving eyes. Tears slipping down my face, following the movements of your hands. My skin would projet the colors of a sunset. When you were done, you somehow felt more like a man. Me, I felt less human with every touch. The fear came in when you would look at me with the most angelic  smile. You made me feel safe in those few seconds. Long enough to keep me breathing.   

 I would look at myself in the mirror, hating each inch of me. I felt disgusted with myself. How did i get stuck here for so long - A year and a half. “I’m  your boyfriend, I’m allowed to do this”, you would tell me this each time you would start to undress me. My navie self thought you would change. I was so in love with you, and you were so in love with my broken body. You would look at my eyes, and you would see something so pure and untouched. You loved the way the pain wasn’t translucent.

I know you don't care anymore, and that you moved on with your life. I try to do the same. It’s a struggle. I’m haunted by your words and your touch. You scarred me to the point where no man can never touch me again. Where if a man would look at me a certain way, or if the eye contact lasted more than three seconds I would have  been expected to please him. How do I even come back from that? I don’t know how I did it but I did I found a good man that loves me for me. He saw the imperfections and damage that was left from the storm. He didn’t just wait for me to be stable nor took advantage that i was weak. He was my white dove, he gave me hope, love, and faith. He protects me and makes me a better person. I want to give him love and a future, but for me to do that i need to forgive so i can move on with my life.  

I forgive you, for taking my body for granted. I forgive you for the bruises that you made. I forgive you for the punch marks on the walls. I forgive all wrongs you did to me. The most important thing is that as hard as it has been I forgive myself now.

Yours truly,

Me