Dear Self

Dear Self,

You’re 12 years old lying in bed, dreams dance peacefully through your head, when suddenly you are awoken by a scream and a yell and a loud bang. They’re at it again. Each fight just as scary as the last. It’s been this way since you were in the first grade. So I guess you should be used to it by now? But in reality you know that that man, the man mom “loves” so much, he will never change…

You’re 14 years old and life has become a bit complicated. You’re living with grandma because mom couldn’t afford a place to live on her own, while her man went to jail. Once he gets out, he swears he has changed. He’s a new man. He’ll do better. So mom moves us out of grandma’s house because she thinks we should all live with him and it will really work this time.

It doesn’t take long to see his true side. The fights begin again. The yelling and screaming and he’s destroying the house by punching walls and throwing our belongings. But mom just won’t let him go. She says she loves him and she knows deep down that he is good. But I see nothing good at all.

You’re 16 now and life has been full of ups and downs. You’ve moved to 5… 6… 7 different houses in the same town. There have been more fights than you can count, but by this point you are numb to it. You think things will go on and on like this forever, until one day they have a fight, and it has been worse than all the ones before. Mom has had enough, and before you realize it, he is gone.

It’s been a few months and things are going pretty well. Mom had a friend living with us for some time to help pay rent, but that didn’t go so well. Now she has a new man who seems ok, definitely better than the last. You feel as though you can finally relax and stop thinking about all the fighting. The fighting that you grew up with for most of your life.

One night, while mom is tucking your brother into bed, she notices a red truck outside the house. Its him. Why is he here? What does he want? Well turns out he’s drunk and he begins pounding on the door. Yelling for mom to open up. Mom calls the cops as the door is broken off of the hinges. You can’t believe this is happening. You don’t want to know what is coming next. Then the cops show up, and they take him away.

You’re 18 now and the past has become a blur. You remember bits and pieces of what once happened but the timeline of it all isn’t straight anymore. But you don’t care. You would rather forget about it all. You want him to stop haunting your dreams. You don’t want that burden of those thoughts anymore. So you come to the conclusion to block it out because truthfully, you have bigger and better things to worry about. He is nothing to you anymore. He can’t hurt you or mom anymore. He’s just another face in the crowd.

Realizing this has been the first step to happiness. And you have so much to be happy about. You now have a boyfriend who loves you and he’s everything that your past was not. He’s gentle and kind, not mean and rough. You’ll soon be off to college. Starting a new chapter. Making a better life for yourself.

I know you have been through so much, but things are looking up. Forget the past. Stop doubting yourself. Go for it. Don’t give up on what you want in this life.

Yours Truly,

Self