Dear Squishy

Dear Squishy,

All of my life, I've had to take care of everyone around me. It's all I've ever known how to do. From the time I could take care of myself, I was sent into the world to help everyone else out too. That's what I've looked for all these years thinking it was what I wanted; to be with someone who needed to be taken care of. I felt the need to feel needed by the person I was with because it was the only way I thought someone could love me. I only ever thought someone would love me as payment for helping them. As a sort of way to say thank you for fixing them. That sounds really stupid. I'm sorry. But that's how it has always felt. I've always been attracted to helping everyone else even if it means sacrificing my happiness, health, or well-being. 

When you came along, it didn't feel like that ever. You didn't really need me for anything. I mean, sure, you could use my company, but it didn't feel like I had to sit down and fix you. You were strong and capable of caring for yourself. Then you did something that caught me off guard: you loved me. That was so foreign to me. Someone loving me despite me not helping them. You loved me because we existed together and that was so beautiful to me. And we spent so much time together that my heart could sing with how much joy that gave me. You became super important to me in so many ways. You were my friend and you were the person I could trust when things went wrong. You meant the world to me. That's when I got scared. You see... everyone before you that I cared about left me without even stopping to take a breath. You know that though. And I told you that. And you said I was stuck with you and I said you were stuck with me. Had I known what I do now, I would have married you then and there. But things were complicated and life isn't just black and white. You were my safe haven from everything. I realized something very important in the summer that you spent at my house. You were helping me. You were taking care of me and loving me and making me whole again. You constantly do so. You spoil me and love me without hesitation. Even if I'm being awful, you give me a hug and tell me it's all going to be okay. I can't explain to you how much that means to me. While I'm pushing you away so that you don't leave me out of nowhere, you pushed back and never left me. You don't understand how grateful I am for that. I'm so grateful for you. 

I knew from the moment I developed my first crush on you that you were going to be my end game. You aren't someone just looking for a hand to hold in a cold night just to leave when it gets warm. You're in it for the long haul. I never in a million years expected to even deserve a love like yours and today I have your love and it's the most precious thing I will ever own. I want a life with you because you actually love all of me. The good, the bad, and the very nerdy. You're a dream. Like I said, you're my gift from fate. I just never expected to be loved back in the same way I love anyone. I never expected to end up in your arms and feeling like that's exactly where I'm meant to be. I never expected you. 

This is a lot of words just to say I really love you. More than I could decently explain. This is a shot. I wish I could be there now. I would be rambling to you though. It wouldn't make any sense. At least this helps a little. You're just so great. So wonderful. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you so much I want to explode. I can't wait to hold my squishy again. I really do have a plan for us. A lot of them actually. A whole lifes worth of plans. I'm excited to be able to share everything with you. It's going to be great. 

Love, Yours