Dear T. Collins,

Dear T. Collins,

Seeing you still hurts a little. It's been 262 days, which means approximately 22,636,800 seconds, or 377,280 minutes, or 6,288 hours, or 37 weeks and 3 days. Which is also 71.78% of the year. I can't say these words in person and I guess that's why I'm writing to you, I know, it's weird. Here's the thing, my heart has been building up and building up and I can't take it anymore. I can't love right anymore. My heart doesn't race when I see him but always does when I see you, every single time. I would be so confused how someone I was so familiar with, someone I loved, make my heart race at every glance. I liked to believe that it was because I was so in love with you that my heart would skip with joy. Now when it races, it hurts. It's kinda like running, at first the thrill is great, and your body feels amazing, but after while you grow tired and you start to wheeze and your lungs hurt because you've been running for so long and so fast. My heart doesn't race of nervousness in impressing you, or race of loving you anymore. It races in anger and hatred. It hurts because I grew this burning hate for you in my chest after every word you have said to me. All at once, I still love you too. How can one love and hate you at the same time? I hate who you are and what you were able to say to me without hesitation. Everytime I told you I loved you, I never once lied. Now every word you said to me feels like a lie, like you fed me all this misconception and I feel betrayed. This betrayal makes me untrustworthy of him now. Why are you making me not be able to give him my trust? You have nothing to do with him, you guys are in no way, shape or form similiar at all. Not a freckle or hair is alike. Yet, everytime I look at him, I think of you. I think of the way you hurt me and I can see that in him, in which I wish I couldn't. I hope to believe he is nothing like you, and I'm writing to you in hopes of you convincing me that he will not be you. So tell me he is not you. Tell me to love him and trust him because I can't convince myself but I hope you can.