It’s been 1325 days since i found out that you passed away and i didn’t cry then but now my eyes are carrying the tears that are hanging on by a needle and thread.

It’s been 1325 days since my mind has been flooded with the thoughts of you at least five times a day because i hate change and refuse to move on and feel okay.

It’s been 1325 days since i cut out an obituary and bought a frame and hung you up next to my One Direction tickets and can’t even look at them anymore without feeling the pain.

It’s been 1325 days since my parents looked me in the eyes as I was playing on my family computer in the basement and told me you're heart is stopping and they were going to say goodbye and I couldn’t come with because I’m too young to understand the meaning of goodbyes and the endings to lives like yours and mine and we all eventually die but i didn’t understand why you left me.

I still don’t.

I sit here typing loudly onto my computer at 9:37 pm on a thursday night and it’s been 1325 days since all those feeling burst out of my eyes and I don’t feel anything anymore but all the lies lies lies I tell myself I’m okay but inside I feel as if I’ve been drained.

It’s been 1325 days since the ending of you and the beginning of nothing but feeling the guilt I’ve been feeling for 1325 days of not remembering how you talked or the way you're gut flopped when you ran or when we played football with dylan and madison or the hot dogs you made on the fourth of july and all i think now is why God why didn’t you leave him alone? did you really need him or were you taking him away from a niece whom he loved? It’s been 1325 days and I regret being shy when speaking to his face when I’m faced with a huge scar on the side of his face and I know that it wasn’t him talking but the tumor in his brain. it’s been 1325 days since i held his hand as he laid on a bed in his and my aunt's dining room as my nana sat across me and told me to ignore him itching his diaper because he lost his motor skills and can’t differ between when it’s appropriate to scratch and when to not scratch. 1325 days seems like an infinity and he knows infinity better than I do because now he is infinity and our infinities do and will not cross ever again.

It’s been 1325 days since I lost my uncle to brain cancer, and it will be 1326 tomorrow.