Dear You

Dear You,

           The light is late, as I always seem to find when I am with you. The stars are out but we cannot see them because we are concealed in this brick room. I don’t know why this is how it went. I don’t understand where we are. But I do know it is your fault, you are the one who wanted this, you are the one with the big dreams and aspirations. I curse you. I curse you a lot anymore, asking why in the world you would want to live this way, for education, a new start, a new you? Well, congratulations, it seems you have got all of this and more in the form of crippling stress and anxiety.

           I miss the sunshine back home and the soft grass. It is kind of ironic how only 90 minutes away yet cannot see the sunset or the stars in this cold, brick city. I miss the birds chirping and the freedom to do what I please, why did you have to go and take that away from me? Do you still believe this is all you’ve ever wanted?

           Night after night I feel the hurt deep inside my chest of the pain you have caused me. It feels like I am saying goodbye to everyone, everything I have ever loved all at once. I feel alone. I no longer know myself, I miss that girl. Why didn’t you listen to your best friend? Why did you want to leave home two years early? You were smart, kind, and determined, now you are broken; I don’t recognize you either.

           I’ve prayed to God to strengthen me, so I may live through this. And I have tried to lean on him, to trust, but as always it is hard, faith is a hard thing – another thing to the list that I cannot do right. Did you ever think you would meet failure as much as you have these last 6 months? Did you ever think you would cry this much? Don’t you miss your dog, your family, your friends back home? They have supported you through so much, and what do you give them in return: nothing, you don’t even have the time to love.

           I know you feel ashamed, you rarely have the time to go to church. Did the fact that God reached you that afternoon last summer when you had that car wreck and saw your life flash before your eyes mean nothing? Because it sure meant something at the time, you promised to change your life, but instead you’re here. Did the fact that your very own father, a week after the accident, coming up to you, with the smell of beer on his breath telling you that he would die for you meant nothing!? What have you done!!!!!

           Right now, you’re missing your best friends Senior year – and to think, she supported you more than anyone because she’s more than you could ever deserve. I wanna scream a lot these days, I don’t know about you. I tell my roommate that it will be okay when I do not quite believe it myself, but that seems to be the only faith I have in God. I’m so sorry Lord. I struggle to find peace, to find rest.

           You are an optimist, you always smile, your good at covers, that is why they cannot see how hurt you are. It’s funny, at the same time when I feel hopeless, I know that everything will work out fine in time, for God has great plans. How can I be so sure, yet freak out when the slightest thing goes wrong?

           Your grandpa died this year, your grandma almost did, your uncle left the family, and your dad got a major surgery which you almost forgot about when you woke up that morning. Your parents always did say that time flew, and you never really understood what that meant till now. Mistakes were made, but it will be okay in the end.

           I’m really sorry that you don’t know what to do sometimes, there is just so much to do in so little time. Please take the time to breathe again, to seek God, and to go have fun at your best friend’s prom. I know this will be hard, I know how you are conflicted. Its hard to remember what controls our life and what doesn’t.

           I can feel the panic rise up inside of us again, I tell myself to not cry, that Valentines Day is approaching, and I can always make my parents the cards next week, after grade reports are over. See the sunshine, ya know? After all, the person I should blame is myself, after all, I am you and we’re stuck in this together. Along with another billion people who don’t really know what they’re doing either and don’t want to do it, but must must. Look for the next rainbow and survive until graduation.

                                                                                         Sincerely, Yourself.