Dearest Father

Dearest father, I remember you spinning me around in your arms , I remember waiting excitedly for you to return from work so I could see your smile. I remember you hugging me against your chest and telling me how important I was.  I remeber you hugging my mother and kissing her lips so gently as if you were afraid she would break.  I remember you telling her you loved her and would never let her go.

Dearest father, I remember when you changed

I remember when your smile faded from your lips and your eyes grew cold. I remember when your words of hurt began. You would yell at mother over simple things, I remember how you would make her run off and cry, leaving only me, a child, there to comfort her. I remember how the yelling got worse every day.  I remember you calling her awful things and insulting her at every turn. I know you didn't hurt her physically but by God you destroyed her mentally. I remember watching as you left scars and cuts on the skin of her happiness, I remember how you broke the bones of her self-esteem. I remember sitting there quietly as you both fought, thinking that maybe this was because of me. I remember watching you eat away at my mother until there was nothing left. 

Dearest father I remember when you began to target me 

I remember you yelling at me for not liking the things you liked, I remember you yelling at me because of my choices, political ideas, lifestyle, God help me if I had told you i'm bi. I remember you wishing I was more like my siblings; talented, obiedent, perfect beyond belief. I remember the fights we had almost every night that led me to lock myself in my room and cry. I remember painting beautiful red lines on my wrist hoping somehow it would make things better, if only I had known that you would only yell at me more.

Dearest father what did I do to deserve these memories? Why do you feel the need to treat my mother and I this way? For once in your life could you think of someone other than your self?! Why do you feel the need to give ous your hatred instead of the love we crave so much?! 

Dearest father......where did you go?

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