Dearest Pacific

Dearest Pacific,

            You had me at that first wave. I have loved you for as long as I can remember. Your chaotically captivating undulations are forever engrained in my memory. From when I was young and unsure of how to articulate my feelings: a concoction of confusion, admiration, bewilderment, and a pinch of fear that all added up to my undying devotion to you. We’ve watched each other grow up one summer at a time. When my parents made me do Life Guard Prep Camp, and you watched me run and do push-ups alongside you, miserable because all I wanted to do was hang out with you.  Or that one time they tried to quarantine you when you came down with a case of Red Tide was so difficult to see. More than anything I wanted to take away your pain, but all I could do was wait with you and watch it pass through your system. You washed away my worries when my parents were so infuriated with me for sneaking off to see you with my friends late at night. You made me brave by forcing me out of my comfort zone and into the open waters where anything could’ve happened. Yet you always knew when to stop, and you never failed to keep me safe from all the dangers those who just didn’t understand you would warn me about. You taught me how to trust the unknown with your endless enigmas that encompass you.  You drowned my sorrows and brought me back to the surface: clean, slightly salted, and pure.

            And now, as I write you from thousands of miles away, reflecting on our tumultuous, yet extraordinary past, I know what we have isn’t just young love. It is Real and True. They all tell me I’m crazy, too young, and definitely naïve, but all I am certain of, is I am committed to loving you for the rest of my life. Our love cannot continue to be contained to summers and random holidays throughout the year. I know when I’m not near, there are so many other beautiful and exposed humans wandering around you, but they won’t give you what we have.

            I’ve tried to test the waters elsewhere and keep an open mind, but it never feels right. The interactions feel so forced and foreign. It is as if they know that my heart is already taken and dipping into them was a pathetic attempt to fill the infinite hole in my heart. I understand that this is my time to explore all that is unfamiliar and unknown, but they are not mutually exclusive. Our love is enough to keep flowing whilst experiencing the entirety of the world, I am sure of it.

            It’s been so confusing these past few years away from you, and even though I’ve strayed, you’re always on my mind. I sincerely apologize for betraying you with your best friend when I went to Florida last spring break. Though, technically we weren’t together… But I promise, Atlantic means nothing to me. We were barely even together, and to be honest I don’t even remember most of what happened. My friends ended up taking me away anyway. For the way I stumbled and sunk into Atlantic, made them realize I was not in the right state of mind to be making decisions such as that. It was only because I was so torn up about our last encounter that I was acting in such a reckless manner. I was so hurt because last time we were together you confronted me about the Great brothers. You were storming so irrationally and vehemently. It hurt that you genuinely believed that I would ever go near that pompous Superior or the one named after that horrid state up north. And the fact that you even thought I’d go near Erie, the one who shouldn’t be allowed near humans because he’s so disease ridden and toxic. Don’t worry; I’d never do that to you.

You’re the only ocean in the sea for me, or is it fish in the sea? I never remember how that expression goes. But I truly believe deep down in your darkest depths, you know this. You know that even though I strayed, my heart has never left your tide. This rift between us must end. I know Atlantic hurts the most, and I regret it everyday. I was so infuriated with our last encounter. It was as if my voice didn’t even matter, for your overarching waves of dominance were definite and had no room for compromise. I was hurt and then angry that I let you hurt me. I was so, so angry and wanted to show that I didn’t care. That I was over you, when in reality I was anything but. So for that I deeply apologize.

 My mind is flooded with memories and nostalgia from when we were together. When we would watch the sun seemingly sunk into you, and then would giggle to ourselves, for we knew the truth. I remember when I first learned the tactics and mechanisms on how to tread your waters without enraging your ever-changing temperament. Or in high school, when I’d ditch to come see you, at times alone, and sometimes with friends. We’d drink our parents alcohol, and act invincible, because our only woe in the world was whether we were going to see you that day.

             You make all of my senses come alive. One day in particular comes to mind. All I remember thinking that day was, this is the worst day ever and I will never recover. I was sure I had lost all of my friends in one fell swoop. I remember feeling as though the world was caving in and my oxygen sources were depleting. Then without another thought I ran to you, and every step I took near you is forever engrained in my memory.  

First I heard you. I heard the violent yet peaceful crashing that instantly made me feel alive and brought oxygen back to my lungs. This pushed me forward, close enough that all the smells surrounding you emerged: the alluring combination of coconut oils those other self absorbed humans put on themselves whilst they lay around you, ignorant to your beauty. Then I tasted the saltiness in the atmosphere that only you are capable of exuding. At this point I am very close, my feet and toes immersed in thousands of grains of sand, and I see you.  The innumerable shades of blues and greys and whites that all add up to you made me smile to myself. And last but not least, your touch. Your bone-chilling touch that always took me off guard, even though I knew it was coming. But then you warmed up to me, per usual, and I was suddenly engulfed in you. There is no better reason to be afraid than when you crash onto me and make me feel as though I won’t breathe again. But then, at the last second I did. I immerged with my hair slicked back because you’ve decided to run your hands through it so perfectly.

Pacific, you are the love of my life and I hope you consider me whilst I wallow in my landlocked blues, so far from the truest love I’ve ever known.

Love Always,

Morgan