Death Breathes life

One way Merriam- Webster choses to define challenge is a “Stimulation task or problem.” I choose this definition because I believe that all challenges are her to make us better, or teach us a lesson. One of the hardest challenges that I faced was losing my mother at the age of 12. It something that I still have challenges with today if I’m being honest. My mother had been diagnose with cancer when I was about 8 years old. A single mom; she was all I knew and being her only child we had a very close relationship, she was my best friend.  When she first got sick, nobody knew what was wrong. She was 44 and relatively healthy before that. I remember going to hospitals hours away from our small town, seeing all kinds of doctors and specialists . At a certain point, as a child you knew something was wrong. This isn’t suppose to happen to MY mom. Tragedy has a mysterious way of changing the dynamic of your life. Everything is normal and then BOOM! Life hardships  creates a full stop that you never saw coming. But  you quickly try to adjust  and think that this is just your new normal. It’s a weird reality to be in because all of a sudden your life changes and now you’re taking care of someone who once, recently took care of you. At first my mom wanted to hide her sickness, she was given a breathing machine to help her inhale better , but barely wore it. She didn’t want to worry any of our family and friends. Our life slowly frozen in time while rapidly changing. Even now when I look back at those moments is almost like a blurred but I remember things so clearly. Of course I started acting out in school. I was mad and didn’t even know it. I just knew this was unfair

! Who was gonna love me like my mom? Who was gonna take care of me? My mother was the nicest person on earth, she doesn’t deserve this ! Even now when I look at someone who is troubled or “mean” I wonder what they’re going through. What ways were there heart broken.

As her cancer got worst I remember her giving me “the talk”. She told me she wouldn’t always be here and one day she may die and I need to prepare for that. At first I didn’t want to hear that, there is no way My mother would die I told her and myself. But then she persisted. We always went to church.  I sang in the choir and she served as a Usher, she told me about God, And the circle of life. One day she told me about life and  death and in my 12 year old brain I understood that although I didn’t’ want to hear it , she needed to tell me. She encouraged me that once she’s no longer here , I should not grieve or be sad for too long. She told me not to fear and live my life to the fullest to go after my dreams, and seek my desires. She told me that she lived her life, and enjoyed it and to not feel bad for her because their are so many people who are alive but aren’t living . She told me to be strong for her and my greatest gift I could give her is to be a person who lives their dreams and purpose. 

I Thought eventually I would “get over’ not having my mom here with me anymore.I wanted justice. I wanted life to be fair. But the truth is you never get over it. There are new moments, new achievements, and it’s a constant reminder that the person who loved me the most here on earth is no longer physically here . But this is what drives me. This is why I moved to Los Angeles, I try to keep her Alive daily through the words she told me , “live your life to the fullest, I’ve lived mine, its time for you to live yours” and in that I found my peace and ambition.