December 25, 1996

Zero: I was brought home.

There isn't anything I can say.

One. Still nothing.

Two: Almost - nope still nothing.

Tree: This year for Christmas I got a teddy bear and

I name him Bear because I think its funny.

Four: This year Mom got a special cake for me ... and Cassandra.

It has the Grinch on it.

It was so big.

Five: I got so much stuff!

I got walkie-talkies and stickers and dolls and a baby stroller for my baby dolls,

But I don't like dolls so I think i'm going to use it to push Sally and Bear.

Six: Grama looks different, but I don't pay attention.

Today is Christmas.

Today is my birthday.

Seven: Grama looks worse.

Everyone should be happy, but

Grama looks worse.

I don't really care because its my birthday

It's christmas.

Seven and a half: Grama isn't here anymore.

Mom said she went to heaven.

I think I miss her. 

Eight: Grama still isn't here.

Its Christmas and she still isn't here.

I don't understand death, but

I don't think she's coming back.

Eight and a half: mom is getting really sad and mad

And I don't know what to do.

Nine: This is my first Christmas without Cassandra.

I get the cake all to myself.

Its great... really. Its great  

Ten: My cat died

Eleven: I'm so happy. I got New Moon from my mom.

Twelve: Umm TWELVE!

Thirteen: I can watch P.G. thirteen movies now.

Thirteen: Mom is almost happy.

I hear her cry a lot. 

Fourteen: Mom got mad so I'm not getting a cake this year.

I guess its okay. A lot of people don't get cake.

Fifteen: Emilio planned a party for me.

There was dinner and cupcake cake with white frosting and  purple writing.

I got a karaoke machine and Emilio has been singing all night.

Sixteen - wait go back

Fifteen and a half: I found this pipe

I knew, but I didn't want to know.

I smash it. I  smash it. It is not coming back.

Sixteen: I'm with my Nina.

We're happy.

Sixteen and a half: It found its way back.

It crept into my soul like a recurring nightmare.  

I thought I smashed it.

I watched it crumble to pieces the same way it crumbles families

And dreams of children.

This time I throw it out the window.

Sixteen - almost Seventeen: Mom didn't tell me  we were moving.

I have two days left and don't know where to go or what to do

I have two days left. I can't take my cat.

I have two days left. I hate you!

I have two days left. My mother is silent.

Seventeen: 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,  ZERO.

I wish I could go back to a time before I knew the effects of crystal meth.