Decisions, decisions...

Fucking up is just a habit of mine.

But it's my life and not for you to decide.

Because in the end we all just die.

But I don't want live to die. 

I want to live to live.

That's the meaning of being alive.

I'm just tired of not being good enough.

It's always something I've wanted to discuss.

But you could never understand my feelings.

Learning about useless stuff like z-score and phosphorylation.

I'm trying to talk but you aren't trying to listen.

You're too blinded by your standards and expectations.

Your expectations are just something I can't live up to.

I guess that's why you gave birth to two.

You gave birth to another.

Someone who I call my brother.

Someone who is supposed to be loved as an equal.

But the stress is on me and the love is in his favor.

So why do I have to meet your every expectation?

Is it because I'm the oldest?

Just because I'm the oldest doesn't mean I'm the boldest.

Sometimes my mind is so full, I can't even learn anymore.

My brain can't take it, it's too sore.

I'm sitting here and I hear everything, but I'm not listening.

I'm trying to hold myself together, got no staples.

When will I be fine, when will I be stable?

You don't understand my life, you will never be able.

That's why I don't see the point of eating at a quiet dinner table.

Don't act like you know what's best for me.

If I'm not happy then high paying jobs, and college degrees won't mean shit to me.

I want to be somebody, a game changer.

I want to be high on the scale, like a monument.

Not a lame-o who sits at his computer all day typing up documents.

Not someone who is around sick people all day just to write prescriptions.

I can make my own decisions, I don't need a jurisdiction.

If that's the case, then I'll be the judge.

I'll send my life in a new direction.

One with innovation and inspiration.

Away from home with no distractions.

My 'home sweet home" was the problem for my actions.

Maybe then will I find satisfaction.

I want to live my life to the fullest.

But I want it to be for me.

Sorry I'm being selfish.

But that is something I believe.

There will be days where I won't make a sound. 

Days where I'll just try to fit in with the crowd.

And I know I'm doing this for myself, but deep down inside.

All I ever wanted to do was make you proud...

This poem is about: 
Me
My family

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