Dedication to my Father

Late night thoughts, Late night cries, Late night doubts, Late night dreams… Something about the night makes everything in my brain go ary. I think it may be the way the dark envelopes me causes my brain to try and comprehend and answer any question that has ever crossed my mind like why is the sky blue? Or why do all my dreams feel unachievable? Or why aren’t I enough for anyone? Or why he didn’t love me? Or why Daddy left my Mom? Or why can’t love alone make someone stay…?

‘Cause trust that I learned at a young age that giving your all to someone doesn’t guarantee you an everlasting spot in their heart. I once heard that a girl’s father is supposed to be her first love, but some girls just don’t have the luxury… well I’m here to tell you that having the luxury of your dad being your first love can still end in heartbreak. When I was 4 my Daddy walked out on my mother and I know I was 4 because my brother was born, but hadn’t even turned 1 yet. See, people will tell me that my Dad divorced my mother not me but I am the creation of both my Mom and Dad, so there’s a little bit of each of them inside of me, so if he left my Mother he left me too. See my Dad taught me lessons I don’t even think he knows he taught me. I learned that no matter how hard a woman may try she can never raise a man. See, I’ve listened to my mom talk about my father and I can tell by the tone in her voice that no matter the hurt he caused she respected the day he owned up to the mistakes he made. See, my dad taught me that one day when I meet someone that I won’t dare give him all my love if he is a boy because only a man will appreciate love from a woman. I was taught to find a man to look me in my eyes, wipe away the tears, and apologize for giving me a reason to cry. See, my daddy may have been my first heartbreak but I still love that man with all of me. Heartbreak doesn’t mean hate. Me saying my dad was my first heartbreak just means that he was the first man to disappoint me and the first man to make me cry. But like I said my Dad taught me a lot of lessons. When Moms and Pops got a divorce it left me with a broken family, broken heart, and broken dreams that they would get back together. I would never talk down upon the man who helped bring me into this world because like I said my dad taught me a lot of lessons. Dad taught me what forgiveness was. He taught me that if I wouldn’t thank him then that I most definitely would thank him later because like I said my daddy taught me a lot of lessons. Heartbreak came when my daddy left my mother because I was disappointed that he couldn’t stay not just for me but also for my baby brother. But the worst pain I felt inflicted upon me through the choice of my father is the day he decided that not only wasn’t my love great enough to keep him with my mother but it wasn’t enough to keep him in the same state either… but you see I was young then, I didn’t understand his reasoning for going but he was right when he said I would thank him later because when he tells me now why he had to go my brain can actually comprehend the fact that he did what he did out of love for his kids, when I was younger I just thought that was an excuse but he did it all for me. As a child sometimes you cry over things that you’ll look back on and realize were never worth your tears. ‘Cause you see my daddy may have left my mother but that pain she went through turned her into a woman who was beautiful even on her worst days, a woman who dedicated her life to her kids and God, a woman who is my hero. And my dad may not physically be here but I will always know he is just a phone call away because he will give an arm and a leg for his children. See I thought that my Daddy was my first heartbreak just because of a few mistakes. But as I get older I just know that I had the luxury to have my father be my first love and I begin to appreciate all the lessons he’s taught me. The greatest lesson my Dad has ever taught me is how a man should love a woman… more importantly how a man should love me. So I dedicate this poem to my father. Because I’ve learned that for a while I shed tears over my Daddy for my mother. Not realizing that Mommy wasn’t crying anymore. Not realizing that I was trying to fight a battle that wasn’t mine to fight. Not realizing that their problems weren’t my problems because when I finally stopped crying over old wounds on my mother’s chest I realized that my Daddy had some important lessons to teach me. See, he taught me that the best kind of love is unconditional and thats the exact kind he gave me. So I dedicate this poem to my father for not only being my first love but my best love because even if he wasn’t the best husband to my mother or if he didn’t make the best decisions in his past, I will never complain about how he handled his role as a father because like I said my daddy taught me a lot of lessons.