Defining the Relationship (Part 1 of 3)

Only twice in my life have I ever told a crush I liked him

Both times, we eventually stopped being friends

So that is why I am hesitant to define our relationship 

How was I supposed to know he was gay?

My friend apparently knew before me

but she didn't want to spoil my crush

so she said nothing

but then I went ahead and made a fool of myself

by texting him I didn't know why

but I had feelings for him

It didn't feel right

to tell my good guy friend that I liked him

but I was tired of waiting

and I wanted to get it off my chest

He didn't react the way I wanted 

but does anyone ever? 

He acknowledged my statements

and said it was important for me to 

not bottle up my feelings

and he said that he'd be there

to listen if I ever had to take a weight

off my shoulders

But he lied

Today, he doesn't even look me in the eyes

ignores me at school

laughs with his new girl friends

parties with his frat boys

I miss him

He turned bad

Let those girls touch me 

without standing up for me

Started using crude language

I'm not about that life

Things only turned more awkward

when he drove me in his car

and my friend thought I was

arriving with my boyfriend

but then she saw it was him

and by that point, it was practically

universally known that he wasn't straight

I don't think I'm missing out

on the person he is today

Who knows what else he does with his life?

I shouldn't care

but I do

so I deleted all his pictures 

from my phone

and from my computer 

I blocked him on Facebook

and I blocked his number

not because I think he's going to hit me up

but because I don't want to be tempted

to reach out

I deleted our messages

and our emails

because I couldn't bear to be reminded

of how much he meant to me

and now it's all gone

I can't ask him why our friendship ended

but everything reminds me of him

We talked so much

did so much together

Four years ago, we were so good

I was living the good life

surrounded by his love, his sass, and his advice

I still remember his birthday

every year

it strikes again

and I try not to think about him

because I want to move on

but I don't have the closure

that I think I need

He won't talk to me

so I'll never know

So we ended in shambles

and I started to like someone else

someone who gave me attention

but that's a story for another time