Defining Shay

I was never the first kid to be picked,

I wasn't talked to,

I was told 'Nobody likes you',

I sat alone from everyone else,

Kids never really liked me,

I couldn't make friends as well as the other kids,

I lied to my mother,

When she asked about my day, 

When she asked about my friends, 

When she asked whether I liked my body,

I didn't, I don't.

I only connected with my cat,

And at night,

When everyone else was asleep,

I would cuddle my cat and cry.

I don't remeber,

I don't remember how many nights I cried myself to sleep,

I don't remember how many times I barely ate,

I don't remember the amount of times I lied,

And said I was happy.

Some days I wouldn't even try,

Every time I held my cat I held back something else,

Holding my cat was holding my pain,

The pain of my father,

The toll of my loneliness,

The pain of not being liked,

The pain of not being good enough,

The pain of my heart,

My pain of being me, 

Not enough.

I never thought I was good enough,

And maybe I wasn't,

Maybe I was meant to be alone,

Maybe I didn't deserve friends,

You have to be likeable to have friends,

And I wasn't likeable,

I was the scrum you find on your shoes,

I was a headache during a test,

I was the rotten apple,

I was me,

And me wasn't enough for anything.

Me wasn't enough to build up the courage, 

The courage to tell my Mother I was gay,

The courage to face the damage I did,

The courage to be myself and proud,

The courage to tell girls I liked them, 

Me didn't amount to anything, because me,

I was nothing.

I like to think that I am more,

But somethings spark a memory,

Hit a nerve,

Somethings bring me back to those days,

The days where loneliness was a hole I couldn't climb out of,

Where happiness was as possible as pigs flying,

Where I wasn't me and me wasn't possible,

Somethings aren't happy and I wasn't someone that was.

Today I am different,

I have the courage I've never had before,

I face my problems even though I wish I didn't have them,

I don't cry myself to sleep every night,

I wear a smile that's real, 

I stand tall and proud,

I say my name,

And I say it with enthusiasm,

I am Shay and even though

I used to be grey,

I am still beautiful.