Delete

Fingers lingering over names I wish I never knew, but at the same time don’t want to forget.

How do you decide who to keep and who to delete?

What if you could do it all over?

Would you?

Have you cried enough tears at night?

Have you yelled till your throat ached?

Well what happens when you press delete?

Does some miracle happen and you begin to heal?

Does it all go away?

Do the memories fade away never to return?

Am I going to be okay?

What is “okay” anymore?

Is it that smile I gave everyone?

Is it my painkillers or sleeping meds?

Or is it all the distractions?

How can I be dying from pain but look okay?

How come this is something I deal with?

Why doesn’t anyone get it?

Why don’t anyone see me?

Maybe…

Maybe I shouldn’t delete all these names.

Maybe I should delete my own.

Maybe then ill really be “okay”.

Ya know…

The okay that means I’m in the middle.

Not sad

Not happy.

The middle.

But I can’t do that can I?

Isn’t it crazy that ide want to delete myself?

Do I deserve this?

Why do I have to go?

Why the hell am I still staring at the contacts wanting to give them a second chance and not give myself one?

I deserve better.

This can’t be right.

How can I decide to give up on me and press delete when I won’t give up on you?