Denial

I’m standing here, you, there…

On the high edge of the dusty pavement

Unlike the very first time we met,

You were seated, squeezed next to me

On that squeaky bench,

I expressed what I thought was a feeling I never had

Being a cautious introvert, it was with difficulty that I did it then

Now, looking in to your glowing eyes,

I’m standing here telling the same

And it doesn’t cross my mind that this time,

 I lost the honesty touch

And there are strange things with me, like being honest in the dark,

So rare than the countable times we have met, four times to be exact

An the fourth time I watched you calm yourself to put words together

Then thought …. Isn’t it strange? Strange that you kinda live in denial

Isn’t it strange that the four times I’ve admitted that I want you?

You pushed me away with reasons that I questioned more than my destiny

Remember the first time,

The time when you found me knocking at the door of your cold heart

You let me inside not realizing what kind of a mess I would be

That first time, you made meet face to face with rejection,

Making me deal with suppressing my feelings

The first time I ever became honest about them

I never understood how someone wouldn’t be in to the dating stuff

But it for sure made me feel a pinch of guilt,

Like I walked through your clean swept sparkling brain with my muddy feet

I thought it wise to give you time and come knocking with my feet cleaned

Only to find you waiting at the door with a stop sign,

A shotgun at pointing at me kindly asking me to turn back

Terror drawn all over you face,

You wanted to let me in but it didn’t just feel right

I carried my terrified self, and walked my black ass away

After several un-replied letters, I vanished for years,

Spent day after day hoping that one day it will sink in

Then I lost count, I forgot your voice and Felt like I lost you

I actually lost you…