Dependent

I say I hate it.

In fact, it causes me the most pain.

Regardless, it makes me human;

Regardless, it is my composition.

I say I want it gone,

But how would I handle life without it?

It brings me a sense of odd security;

It brings me a sense of shape and solidity.

I say hello to it sometimes.

It's like it’s a friend offering a hug.

Only this hug is suffocating me with grip;

Only this hug is choking me with panic.

I say I want it to stay,

But only in my head.

Saying that I can’t live without it is wrong;

Saying that I can’t live without it is weak.

I say goodbye to it,

When I try new meds.

I have become accustomed to its lifestyle;

I have become entranced by its poison.

I say I can’t live without it.

Now that it’s gone my synapses are different.

I can’t feel the same panic and bile;

I can’t feel the same blanket of support.

I say that it’s back,

And I tell the truth with a minor lie.

Because a part of me wants it to stay,

Because a part of me missed it when it was gone.

I say I hate it.

In fact, it’s what I hate the most.

But I need it like the ocean needs the moon;

But I need it for it has tricked me into it’s home and now I'm locked in.